Kay, so I'm not really good at expressing my feelings. When I feel attacked, hurt, or anything of that matter I immediately go into attack mode and I take names later. A couple of things have happened recently, and I figure out where i really stand in a lot of people's lives. I've noticed that I'm only fun to hang out with when no one else can hang out, that my help is only needed when no one else is willing to help, i am only needed to help you but you don't want to help me. Basically, I feel used by a majority of the people in my life and it hurts like hell.
I have really been struggling with self harm lately. I'm not saying I've done it, but I'm not saying I haven't. All I am saying is that it's a struggle I am faced with everyday. It hurts to think that I am really that low sometimes that I actually have to hurt myself. When I think of another person self harming I get disgusted. I am not saying this for attention, but I'm just saying that just because a person is smiling doesn't mean they aren't struggling. So maybe go out of your way to make a random person smile. Everyone is going through their own little hells.
I am a very accepting person. I may judge someone's appearance, but that's normal. I, however, hardly judge someone's personality. I'm not the kind of person that will give someone crap for being themselves. That's just not me. It's annoying/frustrating (whatever word fits best) that the people that I'm most accepting of judge me the most.
I try so hard for people to like me, I try to listen to everyone and give advice when needed. I try to pray every night for every single person I love, I text little reminders to people telling them I love them and to have a good days I am always trying, hoping that in return someone would do the same for me. Not out of pity, but out of love. No one loves me though, I am nothing to anyone. All the people that I would jump in front of a bullet for and not even think twice, would sit there and watch the bullet hit me. I hear everyone say, " you know I'm here" "if you ever need to talk.." "blah.. Blah... Blah.. Blah.. Blah." No offense but most the time that's a lie. Whenever I need to talk I have to pray, because God is the only one that won't tell everyone, he is the only one that doesn't go on about his trials, and he is the only one that really listens. The rest of you always have a story that you can compare, too busy, or think you need to tell someone. It's annoying and obnoxious.
I'd love to sit here and say that I am just going to live for me and be happy. That I'm not going to pay attention to what person 1, 3, and 7 are doing, but in all actuality, I can't ignore how I feel. You can all sit here and judge me, talk crap about me, call me an attention whore, replace me, forget about me, etc. but when you need that shoulder to lean on, I'll probably be the one you call, because that's what you folks do. You hurt the ones closest to you, the ones you know will love and be there for you regardless. Trust me, I am guilty of the same. But as I sit here and ponder, I think it's pretty f'd up. I'm going to make a real effort to not take all my problems out on the people who deserve it least, because it hurts.
Well, I'm done having a pity party. Thanks for joining, (if anyone did) goodnight!
