Daily reminder.

It's hard. Having your past permanently etched on your skin. It never goes away, I'm stuck with all the scars I have ever given myself. I'm stuck with the reminder of how many times I have messed up in my life and it's right there on my arms and legs. That's what I have to live with for the rest of my life. And it sucks. And it hurts. But the sad thing, is I'd do it again. I'd do it all over again tomorrow...

Comedian.

I will never find it funny to joke about self harm. Every time someone says something about it, it hurts my feelings. I know that some people don't consider it an addiction and don't understand what those who self harm go through. But it is one of my biggest trials. Just because my arm is clean right now doesn't mean that ten minutes from now it will remain clean. Would any of you ever walk up to a heroin addict and say, "well, I'm going to go shoot up some heroin." No, you wouldn't. So why the hell is it funny to say, "I'm just going to go slit my wrists". Let me tell you, it's not. It's offensive, rude, disrespectful, hurtful, and it's a trigger.
Rant ended. I'm heading to bed. Night.

I'm not gonna lie.

I'm so sick of hearing the phrases "I understand" "I'll be there for you" "you can trust me" "someone in the world has it worse" and "everything happens for a reason."

No. You don't understand. You have no clue how I feel. You may have been through something similar, but you do not know how I feel. Don't say you understand how I feel, because it doesn't make me feel better. It pisses me off. You can't say you understand, because there are a million problems I am dealing with not just the one that I am choosing to tell you. Gah.

You'll be there for me? Really? Last time I checked there is one person that is there for me and that's me. When I am at my lowest of lows and can hardly even breathe I look beside me and no one is there for me. When I text you don't answer, when I call you're too busy. Yet, when you need someone I'm always there. I always go above and beyond helping to make sure you're okay. Yet, when I need someone I'm all alone. Don't say you're there for me.

Trust must mean something different to me than the rest of the world because last time I checked going and telling my secrets isn't how you earn trust. There has not been one person in my entire life that I can trust. Every single person has betrayed me. So when you say I can trust you are you talking about before or after you tell the world something I told you in secret?

For real? I don't have it the worst in the world? Dang, I must be trippin. Duuuuh, I know there are people worse and to me it's not a competition. "Telling me not to be sad because someone has it worse is like telling me not to be happy because someone has it better" That right there is why you should never say this phrase to me, because I know people have it worse, but right now. I'm hurting. I'm struggling. I don't think I can do this.

Everything happens for a reason? What is the purpose of this? To teach me not to trust, I've already learned that. To teach my that even family betrays, disowns, and leaves you? Been taught that too. So what is the exact purpose because right in this very second the things that are happening in my life are only tearing me down.

Eff, I have held in my feelings for so long. And the only reason I am writing this is because I know no one reads it. I hate my life, I hate all the people in it. I have no one and I'm going to have to learn to be okay with it.

August,

Please be good to me.

Love, Brittany.<3

I'm not worth it, am I?

Legit, having the hardest time right now. I feel like no one cares, at all. Like I am stranded here all by myself and no one even sees me hurting. I smile, because I want everyone else to be happy, but my mind is full of tears. I feel like I can't even pray right now, because I feel like God won't listen or care about me. I am nothing, after all. I push away from the people I was once close to, because I know all they will end up doing is hurt me. They kind of already have. I get treated as if I don't exist half the time, by the people who swore they loved and cared for me. I am just so hurt by a lot of others actions that surround me. I knew it all along, that no one really cared about me. Is this my role here on earth? I'd this all I am meant for? I feel myself drifting, far away from everything I once loved. I have started to notice how everyone talk bad about those that aren't around, and I know they are saying stuff about me. My anxiety is getting worse and my panic attacks are happening more often. I have been having a hard time controlling myself, and I was just starting to succeed. I'm honestly scared, and I don't think I can continue much longer like this. I've lost my trust in everyone and I've lost faith in myself. Truth is: I don't think I had any faith in myself in the first place.

Please don't leave me.

I have severe abandonment issues, I just noticed it. It's just like, everyone has always left me. No one has ever really stayed. When something goes wrong, I am usually the one to be blamed, but it's usually not my fault. Abandonment isn't only when someone walks out of your life, it's also when someone walks away in a fight. Another big thing of my issue is when someone is mad at me and just thinks I did wrong when I didn't. I don't know, it's just like when someone just assumes I was in the wrong and is mad, I feel like I lost all connection with that person and I feel abandoned.

Right now, I can count on one hand how many people actually care about me. That sucks. :/

It's always darker before the storm.

I am just having a hard time right now because I can't emotionally attach myself to anyone. Like I use to have such deep bonds with people and now I just feel stupid around them. I know I am pushing everyone away and I am trying not to, but it sucks. Boo! Life is hard right now. That is all.

Emotions. Emotions. Emotions.

I am so emotionally detached from almost everyone right now it's ridiculous. I am so stressed and anxious all the time. It's getting harder and harder for me to just deal with people and their bullshit. I am trying to just let things slide right now, but the more I think about everything the harder it is for me to just ignore it.

I can't form connections with anyone emotionally right now. I try to talk to people and let them know how I feel but I just can't trust anyone. I feel like everyone is out to hurt me and as soon as I tell anyone anything it will just blow up in my face. I was just beginning to trust and feel safe again. And now that is all ruined. I just need my best friend, she always helps me get over things..

It's really hard for me, with my niece being born to form a connection with her. I know I love her and words couldn't describe how much. I would do anything for her, she is so adorable and she is such a fighter. But I don't want to form a connection with her. I feel like I will loose her and I don't want that to happen, so I keep my distance even though it hurts, because all I wanna do is love her. I just hopes she starts getting healthy and gets out of the hospital soon.

I hope you get better life, because I am having a hard time right now. And I am not very good at handling stress.

I fancy you.(;

As I look back on my life I realize that no one has ever really been there for me. I am kind of upset, because I'm always there for everyone. I am always talking about the same thing, every time I write on this blog its about trust this, people suck that. I don't understand why I can't have one decent person that actually cares about me. I feel so alone all the time and no matter how hard I try I piss someone off and do something wrong. I am never good enough for anyone and everyone always like some one better. I just can't even breathe right now because I am trying not to sob. I am being replaced in my family with the two people I introduced to my family. I called them my best friends, but now they took over my family and no one even loves me anymore. I am not exaggerating. I literally am the outcast in my family. I am the one that doesn't fit in. I am the one that doesn't matter. My feelings don't matter to anyone and everyone would do so much better without me.

What a wonderful life I have. I really adore my entire family!!

Life is unfair. You put someone first who puts you second. You study your ass off for a final only to get a B in the class when you deserved an A. You give 110% to someone in a relationship when they only give 40%. You’re there for your best friend at 3 a.m. when they need it the most & the next day they don’t pick up their phone. You give something your all & sometimes get little to nothing back. You care so much about someone who doesn’t care enough about you to say hi once in a while. You give someone your time & they give you “sorry, I’m busy”. It seems like you’re giving everyone everything & they’re just walking away with it.

Hushhh.

If you know anything about me, you'd know that I don't share my feelings very much. Usually, I sit in a grumpy manor and ignore everyone. Honestly, I am hurting inside right now. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, but right now I feel as if the whole shoe store is dropping down on me. I can't catch my breath and everyone is being rude and selfish. I really might just go insane. Ugh, so much for being there. It didn't even last a week. I'm nothing to you and you know what?! Great! Because I don't need anyone.

Diamonds are a girls best friend.

So much on my mind. Why does everyone hate me lately? And why do I feel this way? Ugh, I just want this to be okay.

Treat everyone like they're fragile, we are all going through our own little hells.

We're not gonna take it.

I love the feeling when someone says they're gonna be there for you and you can tell they mean it. I just hope it's true.

You know, when you said that if you got into an accident, and you don't know of you'd have the will to live or not.. Yeah, when you said that it broke my little heart, because I love you so much. I feel like you are one of four people who actually understand me. It makes me so happy to talk to you or even get a text from you. I hope you would have the will to live, because I am selfish and want you here. I love everything about you. You're one of the reasons I want to stay alive. I hope you remember me if you ever need a reason to live. <3

To whom it may concern:

Please keep walking away from me, I don't matter much anyway.
Please continue to tell my secrets, it's a great reminder for me to not trust you.
Please continue to not be there for me, because It's not like I'm having a mental breakdown.
Please forgive me, I know you may not now, but please eventually forgive me.

Goodbye love.

I'm not good with goodbyes, because I know that after a couple months I will lose touch with the person. Not because I no longer love them, but because I feel I no longer mean anything to them. I know it's stupid, but I can't help it. I push people away more than anything else in this world. I hate that I do it, but I can't really help it. I try so hard, but I never stay in touch, it sucks.

My titles usually have nothing to do with the posts.(:

I'm the girl with the loud voice and the even more obnoxious laugh. I am the girl you that almost always has a smile on. The awkward girl that talks to random people and waves to cars passing by. The one that does a victory dance when she is happy. I am the girl who you tell your problem to, the girl you can trust. You all know me, right? Wrong, because no one knows me. Everyone thinks my life is so perfect an I have nothing to complain about. And that's not true, I feel guilty every single day of my life, because someone else deserves this spot on earth more than I do. The only reason I get out of bed each morning is because I have to pee. Other than that, I'd rather just hide. I feel like no one loves me an I feel like no one cares. I know I hate hugs, but I wish someone would just come up to me and tell me they love me. That's all I care about, acceptance. I don't know, I'm just sick of feeling awkward and out of place. But I guess that's life?

I know what you're thinking, attention whore? But no, because I don't think anyone will read this anyway.

Frickity-frick.

You know how people do or say something and you know they don't mean it hurtful, but you can't help but take it that way? Yeah, today has had many instance like that and I feel stupid for being totally crushed. I have really been having a rough day and it was supposed to be a big day for me. I had something really exciting happen to me and when I called to tell some people they didn't answer and I never got a call back. That hurts, because it doesn't have to be a long conversation. Just a quick, "hi, what's going on?" "okay, bye"

It also hurts when you think someone likes you and cares about you, but they don't. Not in a lovey dovey boyfriend way, but just like people who you thought cared, but when it came down to it nobody give a flying eff.. Idk.

A lot of stuff has been put into perspective to me lately. I have no one and that sucks. Everyone tells me their problems but I can't trust them for mine. I get called attention whore, cold hearted bitch, etc. almost everyday. I know I should just ignore it, but it hurts. It hurts that I am thought of that way. Idk, I feel stupid.

I just feel so stupid.

Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

I'm pretty smart when it comes to trusting people and secrets. No single person, aside from myself, knows every secret. I may tell a person a lot, but I won't tell them everything. There are some things that no one knows. I choose very wisely who I tell which secret too, so when a secret gets out, I almost always know who told. This being said, why does almost every secret get told. I will say "don't tell anyone!!" and then when it gets back to me and I confront that person I hear the "I thought it was okay, because (insert stupid excuse here)." no! It's not okay, when I say don't tell anyone, that means don't tell anyone. Come or. It's not hard to keep a secret. I do it on the daily.(:

We might die from the medication, but we sure have killed the pain.