I've been blogging a lot today, mostly on tumblr, but some on here. I am just in a funk.

Over and over.

This is how life works.

You spend forever acting like you don't care that you're alone.

And then someone comes along and fills that little void you've been neglecting for so long.

Things are great.

You think,

'Wow, I'm happy for once.'

And as soon as you get used to having them around, they leave.

You're alone again.

Even more so than before.

You tell yourself that you'll never meet someone that's going to take their place.

But you will, and you do.

And the process repeats itself.

Over.

And over.

And over.

There's no turning back.

Cutting. One word but so much meaning. When I say I know what you're going through I mean I know what it feels like to feel like nobody cares, nobody wants you, you're never good enough, and that everything is all your fault. And when those thoughts go through your head non stop you pick up that razor because its the only thing that makes the pain go away for just a little while. You feel like its your fault and since its your fault you have to take it out on yourself. But from a person whose dealt with this for over a year, I can tell you once you start you never go back. So the next time you think about picking up that razor, the next time you feel that you have to take it out on yourself think. Think about how much you're affecting yourself and others. Think about how once you start there's no turning back. Cutting , one word but so much meaning. All the hurt all the pain it will go away, maybe not now but there's a future for you. Don't ever let yourself get to that point because you will regret it.

Tired.

I'm tired of crying.

I'm tired of yelling.

I'm tired of being sad.

I'm tired of pretending.

I'm tired of being alone.

I'm tired of being angry.

I'm tired of feeling crazy.

I'm tired of needing help.

I'm tired of remembering.

I'm tired of missing things.

I'm tired of being different.

I'm tired of missing people.

I'm tired of feeling worthless.

I'm tired of feeling empty inside.

I'm tired of not being able to just let go.

I'm tired of wishing I could start all over.

I'm tired of dreaming of a life I will never have.

But most of all, I'm just tired of being tired.

Excuse me, but I might drink a little bit more than I should tonight

I have been really sad and frustrated lately. I feel as if nothing in my life is how I want it and I don't know where to go from here. In my last post I put about how 'bad' of a person I am, but really, I don't think I am a bad person. I, honestly, see nothing wrong with smoking huka and having a couple shots every now and then (when I turn 21). I enjoy doing these things..

I don't see anything wrong with not going to church every Sunday. I feel like I am judged there and it doesn't make me happy. I know what I believe, so why do I have to go validate to everyone else what I believe? It frustrates me. Some people I know make it seem like you are a horrible person if you don't attend church, I just don't get it. God will judge everyone accordingly to what they do, so worry about yourself.

I am who I am. And I am sick of being judged and treated badly for being me. I am the girl who will go to church occasionally, just because I feel like going. I am the girl who believes that love is love no matter what sex or race. I am the girl who sees nothing wrong with getting tattoos, especially if they have a meaning. I am the girl who will not change my opinion on something, just to fit in. I am the girl who continues to struggle day in and day out with self-mutilation. I am the girl who smokes huka just because it's fun. I am the girl who laughs uncontrollably at someone who falls. I am the girl who laughs at her self when she gets hurt. I am the girl who hates to cry in front of people. I am the girl who can no longer fake being something that I am not.

I may do things that some of you don't approve of, but my personality is the same. I am still the girl who laughs at everything, gives looks for no reason, pushes people away because they get too close, stiffens up when someone goes in for a hug, goes out of my way to make others happy, keeps your secrets, confides in others, hates to cry, and keeps her word. If you don't like me for who I am or what I've become than I don't need you in my life, simple as that. (:

Smile at someone, you might save a life.

I am basically twenty years old. I am not a mother, shocking right? So how come I have to take care of everyone in my family? I have to care that Jasmine is crying, I have to comfort my mom when she is emotional, but as I sit here on my bed, I realize no one ever tries to take care of me. They don't even bother to ask if I am okay. I would say, "yes" but the fact remains that they don't care how I am, how I feel.

You want to know how I feel? I wish I were dead. I feel like I am a waste of space, time, and opportunity. I wish God took my life and let someone else live. I hate my life. Every morning when I wake up, I get mad, because I woke up. I hate being alive, but you know what I hate more? Wishing I were dead. I know I am supposed to be grateful for every breath I take and all that, but how can you when everyone is telling you how wrong you are? I know there are people dead, I understand that, but I would trade places with them in a heartbeat, because at least they were loved. I truly believe that no one loves me, no one cares whether I live or die. Actually, they would care whether I lived or died, because it would be one less person to be fake to. I hate when people want to do stuff with me for my birthday, because every other day of the year you don't even remember my name. I hate my birthday, I do. Because it reminds me of how shitty my life has been. I have been alive for twenty years on Tuesday, and I don't remember being happy for a whole year. I mean, out of twenty years shouldn't I think, Wow, when I was (insert age) I was so freaking happy. But NO. Every year of my life always ends up sucking, because my dad beat me, my step dad was too controlling, my mom is sick, my mom has cancer... the list goes on. 

Yes, I try to look for the good in things, I really do. If you could read my thoughts, you would know that I try so hard, but I really can't find a thing in my life that is worth living for. I am a bad person. I have done drugs, I smoke huka, I drink, I hardly show up at church, I swear, I talk bad about people I don't know, I am rude to peoples faces.. What about me is good? No one could name a reason, I should be alive.

I was told I have expensive taste, and I do. But people don't make me happy. People make me hate myself, and make me want to cut, they tell me every reason I shouldn't be alive, and treat me bad all the time.. Why would I like people? I'd rather stick to things, because they hardly disappoint me.

Today, I was talking to someone and they said something about how I don't express my feelings, and they are right, I don't, want to know why? Because of all the judgmental, fake, hurtful, insensitive, selfish people of the world. I am way to busy listening to everyone's feelings than to express mine. I carry the burdens of so many people around me and I have no time to actually think of my own. 

FML, honestly.

Druggie.

My mother had the nerve to tell me that she sits and talks to me for hours too, because I told her she liked our friends better than us. What a flat out lie. I, honestly, want to get pregnant or have a drug addiction sometimes just so my mom would love me. I know it sounds stupid and immature, but I'm seriously so annoyed. I am really so sad lately, and I wish I could cut. Its been so hard not to. And my birthday is gonna suck. Ugh, I really hate what my life has come to. :/