Knock it off or step it up.

Running to my room, and I barely shut the door before the tears start falling. One of the worst things in this world is having to look yourself in the eyes as the tears start falling, knowing you failed. Failed at keeping your tears in, failed at being strong, and failed at life. No matter how high I hold my head up, the tears just keep rolling down. The warmth on my cheeks don't feel good, they aren't a release. They show me how weak I am. So I sit in front of my mirror in my room and watch myself cry. I want to make sure I see how pathetic I look, so I don't make the mistake of letting others seeing it.

Most elephants weigh less than the tongue of a blue whale

Twenty things I've learned in my twenty years.
1. Your hair falls out from chemo or radiation, not actual cancer.
2. If they want to judge you for your mistakes, they don't need to be in your life.
3. Saying a prayer always helps, even if its just a little one.
4. As comfortable as it is to have the walls up, you will never live life fully until they are down.
5. Don't trust anyone.
6. Drugs are stupid.
7. Addiction is easily formed.
8. Try your hardest not to laugh when people get hurt or when they are crying. You will get yelled at.
9. Nobody likes a tattle tale.
10. Stand up for yourself.
11. Honesty is really the best policy, lying almost always makes things worse.
12. Uncles are better than fathers.<3
13. Love one another and stop judging.
14. The anticipation is usually worse than whatever you are doing.
15. Steak is God's gift to the world.
16. Laugh as much as you can, it takes years off.
17. If you can't laugh at yourself, then don't laugh at others.
18. Don't dish it if you can't take it.
19. Stolen candy tastes so much better. And if you get caught. You lie, and keep lying. It is not worth it to go down for a candy bar.
20. Grandpa is always right. Unless grandma is arguing with him, then grandma is right.

I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

There are some people in my life who make me feel so great about myself, like when I am with them, I know they love and care about me. But there are some people who make me feel horrible in life, I feel stupid, out of place, awkward, etc. And when I transition from one person to the next, know I have to go home after, or hang out with both groups of people, I kind of get really depressed. Like those are the nights I end up crying myself to sleep.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think everyone should be all about me 24/7. I am just saying it would be nice if at least one person in my daily life would ask me how I am doing at least once a month. I am always so busy listening to them and helping them. I carry their burdens on my shoulders, and its hard. Just because I rarely cry in front of people doesn't mean I don't hurt inside. I have all your secrets built up inside of me, plus mine. Its hard sometimes. I don't know.

And I have also noticed that the people that love and care for me don't think I am awkward. They love me for who I am and stuff. Its weird. And when I call myself awkward they all tell me I'm not. But the other guys are the ones that call me awkward and make me feel that way. I don't know..

I wish I were the type of person that could quit trying so hard, but I'm not. I will fight until there is no fight left in me. I was told that one of my greatest qualities is that I love with all I have, but I was also told that was one of my biggest faults too. So, I'm screwed.

My tattoo.

It is the hakuna matata symbol, so it means "no worries"

I love it so much. This picture is right after I got it.

I've had it for a like three weeks.<3

Ahha, I love it.

I wonder what I (if I do) will get next? <3

I'm happy.

I just got back from lunch with Denmark.<33

I don't know when I became such an awkward individual, but I am.(:

Ahha, so a couple things happened.

I told her about my tattoo.(:

I was so scared, but she wasn't even mad.

I'm so happy right now.

Well, besides the whole, dad thing going on.

I'm frustrated with that.

Just because you like my status, comment on my status, and post a picture of me from when I was little on your wall for my birthday, doesn't make you a dad.

AHHHHH.

Imma go nuts.

So much on my mind.

But Last year this time I was doing drugs, and my life is so much better now.

Drugs are stupid.

No being sad on my birthday, right? :/

Deadbeat.

Do you ever get to the age where you just stop wanting a dad? I feel so stupid, wanting something like this.. Its just I see all these girls with their dad's and I get so jealous and sad. I just don't understand why my dad doesn't love me. Why I'm not good enough. Why drugs are so much better. Why my word means nothing to him. I want to feel safe, I want to be happy and feel protected. I don't know. I just want a dad.

So I was so excited for my birthday this year, but all I have been doing is crying.
I'm sad my Aunt Becky and my cousins won't be here for my birthday.
I'm sad I don't have my best friend by my side.
I'm sad that my brother isn't here.
I'm sad that my family is fighting.
What's the point of living another year when it's going to be a year without all my family and friends near.
I'm just sad.