dear friends.

I wish I could text all my friends and say, "From now on, I am going to be the kind of friend you have been to me. So if you call me; don't expect me to pick up the phone, drop everything, and run to your side, because every time that I have needed you, you have never done that for me. Don't expect me to send you texts giving you words of encouragement when you're mad at the world, or sad. Don't expect me to remind you how much you are loved, because you have never reminded me. Don't expect anything from me, because if I am treating you how you treat me, you won't get it. I will blow you off when we make plans, and when I am having a bad day I will take it out on you. I will choose every other person before you, because I guess that's what friendship means." That's what I wish I could say to my friends, because that's exactly how our friendship is. I am always there for them, but when I am crying and want to give up, when I look around, no one is ever here for me. And I hate it.

When I get older...

.. I will be stronger. They'll call me freedom, just like the wavin' flag."

Dear you:
So I put all your songs from you phone on my computer like 3 weeks ago, remember? Well, I decided to listen to iTunes today and all that keeps playing are your songs.

^That song came on, and I just cried. It's happened multiple times. Or like today, we saw that Sunny D is on sale, and we just started crying, because we miss you so much. Or when we see your friends it makes us sad. I try to remind myself that December isn't so far away, but it is. It's longer than I ever wanted you gone. You mean the world to me kid, why can't you stop doing drugs for me? I would give my life to make it so you never touched another drug, I swear to it. I am just so hurt that you let drugs take you away from you family, even if it's only for a couple months, you're still gone. You are going to miss Jasmine's birthday, you are going to miss Thanksgiving. Do you know what it is going to be like to only have 3 people around our table? Actually, we probably won't even have it. What's the point? We aren't a complete family without you. I just wish you knew how much this hurts us. We all want to protect you, so its hard that we can't right now. I think about you constantly, I might not seem like I love you when you're here, but I do. Be strong for us, please learn from this. I really can't deal with this anymore, every time I think about how I saw you the other day in court, it hurts me. I never want to see that again. I felt so helpless, because you were crying and I just wanted to make it better, but I couldn't. Please, hurry and earn the privilege for us to come see you. All I want right now is to see that you are okay. I love you handsome. Be good and safe.

Love,
Britt<3

"I act tough..

... So no one can see how soft I am inside."

So as I sit here thinking about life, I realize that just two months ago I was considering changing my life around. I wanted to become a new and better person. I wanted to stop doing all the things I was doing wrong, but now. Now, I could care less. I don't know if its because I have given up or because I don't want to change.. I am kind of leaning toward the given up, but also I am at the point where I feel like I am doing right. I mean, I don't go to church every Sunday, but I do pray every night. I have a close relationship with my Heavenly Father, regardless of what bad things I do. I pray all the time, even when I am happy. I honestly, just feel like I have given up. I have heard from numerous people that God loves me, and I hear you all, but I don't think he does. I try to convince myself all the time, but I just can't. The 'fake it till you make it' thing is bull crap. I have never heard something so stupid in my entire life. I just wish I could convince myself not to give up. I don't want to give up, but giving up is the only thing that I am good at.

I am frustrated. I know exactly what to say to my friends, and I make them feel slightly better, but nothing I tell myself makes me feel any better, it actually makes me feel worse. and I can't talk to anyone about how I feel, because then I feel stupid. Feelings are not my expertise, they suck. I get embarrassed when I cry, it makes me hate myself. Crying is a sign of weakness for me, and I don't want to be weak. I need to be strong, because the only person that will be strong for me is, me. I learned this, through my trial with self-mutilation. That I have to be strong and protect myself, because no one has my whole life. I know that everything that I hate about my childhood was my fault, I get that, but I just wanted someone to protect me. Maybe this is why I feel God hates me? or doesn't love me? Because of my childhood, holy cow, it makes sense now. I would hate me too, actually I do hate me for it too. It honestly, has never clicked before, until today. I am so stupid. Why did I have to mess up so much in my childhood. I should have protected my sister and brother and I should have stood up for myself better. I can't believe I was so stupid. Why was I not one of those smart, cute kids? Why wasn't I a strong kid? Why didn't anyone want to protect me? How come I can't talk about this? Why can't I be strong?

I'm so freaking frustrated. :/

Hide and seek.

Look how freaking pretty?!

Love it.

Ahhh, its amazing.

Quinn hiding from Jasmine under my moms desk.

Under Steve's chair.

Under Richard's chair.

We had a good weekend, more pics up as soon as I get the pictures from Aunt Becky.[:

I just want you to feel how I feel.

So two weekends ago was amazing. it started off with going to Rush's soccer game with Grandma. On the way we were getting gas. and at the redbox Jordan and I saw this. 

Loved it.[: made my day.

We ballin'.

this picture explains our crazy night.

I love this kid and this picture, by the way, I was not rollin, I just love my binki.

We have so much fun together.

On Saturday I went to a haunted house with Christen, Jordan, Skyler, and Chance.

This is when we were waiting for Skyler.. (of course)

Also when we were waiting for Skyler..

Outside the haunted house. I look like CRAP, but it was a fun night..

It's up to me...

..to be drug free.

How ironic, it was red ribbon week at school.

Aunt Becky and Darwin reppin' red ribbon week.

Jack & Jill's..

We took Quinn bowling.

She did pretty good.

She didn't care about anything but getting that ball down the lane.

She is so cute.

The ball weighs just as much as her.

She did pretty good. She got a strike later on. What the crap?!

She is so cute.

I love this little girl.

Jasmine and Aunt Becky had to go to joann's, so Rush and I decided we were too cool to look at paper and went to explore.

This little boy is so cute, I cut me out of the picture, cause I looked like poo. but we both had crowns on.[:

Successful day, ✔