Daily reminder.

It's hard. Having your past permanently etched on your skin. It never goes away, I'm stuck with all the scars I have ever given myself. I'm stuck with the reminder of how many times I have messed up in my life and it's right there on my arms and legs. That's what I have to live with for the rest of my life. And it sucks. And it hurts. But the sad thing, is I'd do it again. I'd do it all over again tomorrow...

Comedian.

I will never find it funny to joke about self harm. Every time someone says something about it, it hurts my feelings. I know that some people don't consider it an addiction and don't understand what those who self harm go through. But it is one of my biggest trials. Just because my arm is clean right now doesn't mean that ten minutes from now it will remain clean. Would any of you ever walk up to a heroin addict and say, "well, I'm going to go shoot up some heroin." No, you wouldn't. So why the hell is it funny to say, "I'm just going to go slit my wrists". Let me tell you, it's not. It's offensive, rude, disrespectful, hurtful, and it's a trigger.
Rant ended. I'm heading to bed. Night.

I'm not gonna lie.

I'm so sick of hearing the phrases "I understand" "I'll be there for you" "you can trust me" "someone in the world has it worse" and "everything happens for a reason."

No. You don't understand. You have no clue how I feel. You may have been through something similar, but you do not know how I feel. Don't say you understand how I feel, because it doesn't make me feel better. It pisses me off. You can't say you understand, because there are a million problems I am dealing with not just the one that I am choosing to tell you. Gah.

You'll be there for me? Really? Last time I checked there is one person that is there for me and that's me. When I am at my lowest of lows and can hardly even breathe I look beside me and no one is there for me. When I text you don't answer, when I call you're too busy. Yet, when you need someone I'm always there. I always go above and beyond helping to make sure you're okay. Yet, when I need someone I'm all alone. Don't say you're there for me.

Trust must mean something different to me than the rest of the world because last time I checked going and telling my secrets isn't how you earn trust. There has not been one person in my entire life that I can trust. Every single person has betrayed me. So when you say I can trust you are you talking about before or after you tell the world something I told you in secret?

For real? I don't have it the worst in the world? Dang, I must be trippin. Duuuuh, I know there are people worse and to me it's not a competition. "Telling me not to be sad because someone has it worse is like telling me not to be happy because someone has it better" That right there is why you should never say this phrase to me, because I know people have it worse, but right now. I'm hurting. I'm struggling. I don't think I can do this.

Everything happens for a reason? What is the purpose of this? To teach me not to trust, I've already learned that. To teach my that even family betrays, disowns, and leaves you? Been taught that too. So what is the exact purpose because right in this very second the things that are happening in my life are only tearing me down.

Eff, I have held in my feelings for so long. And the only reason I am writing this is because I know no one reads it. I hate my life, I hate all the people in it. I have no one and I'm going to have to learn to be okay with it.

August,

Please be good to me.

Love, Brittany.<3

I'm not worth it, am I?

Legit, having the hardest time right now. I feel like no one cares, at all. Like I am stranded here all by myself and no one even sees me hurting. I smile, because I want everyone else to be happy, but my mind is full of tears. I feel like I can't even pray right now, because I feel like God won't listen or care about me. I am nothing, after all. I push away from the people I was once close to, because I know all they will end up doing is hurt me. They kind of already have. I get treated as if I don't exist half the time, by the people who swore they loved and cared for me. I am just so hurt by a lot of others actions that surround me. I knew it all along, that no one really cared about me. Is this my role here on earth? I'd this all I am meant for? I feel myself drifting, far away from everything I once loved. I have started to notice how everyone talk bad about those that aren't around, and I know they are saying stuff about me. My anxiety is getting worse and my panic attacks are happening more often. I have been having a hard time controlling myself, and I was just starting to succeed. I'm honestly scared, and I don't think I can continue much longer like this. I've lost my trust in everyone and I've lost faith in myself. Truth is: I don't think I had any faith in myself in the first place.

Please don't leave me.

I have severe abandonment issues, I just noticed it. It's just like, everyone has always left me. No one has ever really stayed. When something goes wrong, I am usually the one to be blamed, but it's usually not my fault. Abandonment isn't only when someone walks out of your life, it's also when someone walks away in a fight. Another big thing of my issue is when someone is mad at me and just thinks I did wrong when I didn't. I don't know, it's just like when someone just assumes I was in the wrong and is mad, I feel like I lost all connection with that person and I feel abandoned.

Right now, I can count on one hand how many people actually care about me. That sucks. :/

It's always darker before the storm.

I am just having a hard time right now because I can't emotionally attach myself to anyone. Like I use to have such deep bonds with people and now I just feel stupid around them. I know I am pushing everyone away and I am trying not to, but it sucks. Boo! Life is hard right now. That is all.