I'm not gonna lie.

I'm so sick of hearing the phrases "I understand" "I'll be there for you" "you can trust me" "someone in the world has it worse" and "everything happens for a reason."

No. You don't understand. You have no clue how I feel. You may have been through something similar, but you do not know how I feel. Don't say you understand how I feel, because it doesn't make me feel better. It pisses me off. You can't say you understand, because there are a million problems I am dealing with not just the one that I am choosing to tell you. Gah.

You'll be there for me? Really? Last time I checked there is one person that is there for me and that's me. When I am at my lowest of lows and can hardly even breathe I look beside me and no one is there for me. When I text you don't answer, when I call you're too busy. Yet, when you need someone I'm always there. I always go above and beyond helping to make sure you're okay. Yet, when I need someone I'm all alone. Don't say you're there for me.

Trust must mean something different to me than the rest of the world because last time I checked going and telling my secrets isn't how you earn trust. There has not been one person in my entire life that I can trust. Every single person has betrayed me. So when you say I can trust you are you talking about before or after you tell the world something I told you in secret?

For real? I don't have it the worst in the world? Dang, I must be trippin. Duuuuh, I know there are people worse and to me it's not a competition. "Telling me not to be sad because someone has it worse is like telling me not to be happy because someone has it better" That right there is why you should never say this phrase to me, because I know people have it worse, but right now. I'm hurting. I'm struggling. I don't think I can do this.

Everything happens for a reason? What is the purpose of this? To teach me not to trust, I've already learned that. To teach my that even family betrays, disowns, and leaves you? Been taught that too. So what is the exact purpose because right in this very second the things that are happening in my life are only tearing me down.

Eff, I have held in my feelings for so long. And the only reason I am writing this is because I know no one reads it. I hate my life, I hate all the people in it. I have no one and I'm going to have to learn to be okay with it.

August,

Please be good to me.

Love, Brittany.<3

I'm not worth it, am I?

Legit, having the hardest time right now. I feel like no one cares, at all. Like I am stranded here all by myself and no one even sees me hurting. I smile, because I want everyone else to be happy, but my mind is full of tears. I feel like I can't even pray right now, because I feel like God won't listen or care about me. I am nothing, after all. I push away from the people I was once close to, because I know all they will end up doing is hurt me. They kind of already have. I get treated as if I don't exist half the time, by the people who swore they loved and cared for me. I am just so hurt by a lot of others actions that surround me. I knew it all along, that no one really cared about me. Is this my role here on earth? I'd this all I am meant for? I feel myself drifting, far away from everything I once loved. I have started to notice how everyone talk bad about those that aren't around, and I know they are saying stuff about me. My anxiety is getting worse and my panic attacks are happening more often. I have been having a hard time controlling myself, and I was just starting to succeed. I'm honestly scared, and I don't think I can continue much longer like this. I've lost my trust in everyone and I've lost faith in myself. Truth is: I don't think I had any faith in myself in the first place.

Please don't leave me.

I have severe abandonment issues, I just noticed it. It's just like, everyone has always left me. No one has ever really stayed. When something goes wrong, I am usually the one to be blamed, but it's usually not my fault. Abandonment isn't only when someone walks out of your life, it's also when someone walks away in a fight. Another big thing of my issue is when someone is mad at me and just thinks I did wrong when I didn't. I don't know, it's just like when someone just assumes I was in the wrong and is mad, I feel like I lost all connection with that person and I feel abandoned.

Right now, I can count on one hand how many people actually care about me. That sucks. :/

It's always darker before the storm.

I am just having a hard time right now because I can't emotionally attach myself to anyone. Like I use to have such deep bonds with people and now I just feel stupid around them. I know I am pushing everyone away and I am trying not to, but it sucks. Boo! Life is hard right now. That is all.

Emotions. Emotions. Emotions.

I am so emotionally detached from almost everyone right now it's ridiculous. I am so stressed and anxious all the time. It's getting harder and harder for me to just deal with people and their bullshit. I am trying to just let things slide right now, but the more I think about everything the harder it is for me to just ignore it.

I can't form connections with anyone emotionally right now. I try to talk to people and let them know how I feel but I just can't trust anyone. I feel like everyone is out to hurt me and as soon as I tell anyone anything it will just blow up in my face. I was just beginning to trust and feel safe again. And now that is all ruined. I just need my best friend, she always helps me get over things..

It's really hard for me, with my niece being born to form a connection with her. I know I love her and words couldn't describe how much. I would do anything for her, she is so adorable and she is such a fighter. But I don't want to form a connection with her. I feel like I will loose her and I don't want that to happen, so I keep my distance even though it hurts, because all I wanna do is love her. I just hopes she starts getting healthy and gets out of the hospital soon.

I hope you get better life, because I am having a hard time right now. And I am not very good at handling stress.

I fancy you.(;

As I look back on my life I realize that no one has ever really been there for me. I am kind of upset, because I'm always there for everyone. I am always talking about the same thing, every time I write on this blog its about trust this, people suck that. I don't understand why I can't have one decent person that actually cares about me. I feel so alone all the time and no matter how hard I try I piss someone off and do something wrong. I am never good enough for anyone and everyone always like some one better. I just can't even breathe right now because I am trying not to sob. I am being replaced in my family with the two people I introduced to my family. I called them my best friends, but now they took over my family and no one even loves me anymore. I am not exaggerating. I literally am the outcast in my family. I am the one that doesn't fit in. I am the one that doesn't matter. My feelings don't matter to anyone and everyone would do so much better without me.

What a wonderful life I have. I really adore my entire family!!