drug addicts rule the world.

I just want to jump off of a building right now! Do you think that if I was a drug addict my mom would love me too? cause I am so sick of getting treated worse than him. I get treated like I am a nobody, but then get told I am a somebody. i don't fuuuhreaking understand. either you love me or you don't, there is no in between. Don't treat me like shit, because its not going to work. i can be a bigger bitch then you could ever imagine, i am sick of being nice, i feel like i am getting walked all over, and its not okay with me.

Gah, I hate feelings.

I am honestly, stuck. I don't know what to do, I keep making so many mistakes that I don't know how to fix or where they leads me. I feel so pathetic because I know better. I know I shouldn't do the things I do, but I don't want to stop. I have so many nasty habits and I want to tell people, but I can't get myself to trust anyone. I'm scared. I don't want everyone to know everything about me, I feel like I will loose who I am. I don't want that. I want to be free from my past, from my mistakes, but I still want to remember that they are what made me who I am today, because without all that I have gone through, I would be nobody. I am so strong, I learned that today. I can hold everyone's secrets, and mine and live, but the fact is, I don't want to. I hear everyone's secrets and it wants to make me tell mine, but who do I trust? I feel like everyone I can trust doesn't care, and everyone that I can't trust wants to know too bad. If I could, I really would just disappear, run away from them crazy life. I honestly, 100% think that no one would notice or care. I feel sad, but I don't want to tell people, because they think I feel that way for attention, I don't. I just want to be honest with my feelings and I don't think I can. I know my life isn't horrible, don't get me wrong, but it's not the best either.

No matter how many times I say, 'I don't want a dad', i do. I want to be a daddy's girl, to have someone that cares about me and tells me that boys are stupid. I want to have a daddy I can run to when I need him, to give guys I date the test, I don't have that, I want it so bad. I don't want my mom and step-dad to get a divorce, it hurts. I want to be a family, that is what I have always wanted, was to be a family. We are more broken then ever right now, and it sucks.

It may never be the same.

I have the hardest time trusting anyone. It sucks when I go out of my comfort zone to trust others and then it gets blown up in my face. I feel like a fool.. I feel like I knew better but I didn't want to.. its a good thing I haven't ever told anyone my big secret.. because no one can be trusted.. everytime I say that I get people saying God is always there or maybe you are putting your trust in the wrong people.. God already knows my secrets and I am trusting the wrong people, because secrets always get out.. I'm bummed. :/

Like a G.(;

Today was fantastic. I had a water balloon fight and dinner with my cousins and then I went to my Uncle Wayne's house and had dessert and did fireworks. They were so bomb, I felt like a g.(:

I freaking love Christen right now. She is the only one that ended up there for me. This may be rude to say, but I honestly didn't think she would care and she really surprised me.. Its not that she is a selfish person she just usually isn't there for me. I don't know how to explain it, but I love that girl so much, and not just because she was there for me.

Also, Alissa and Rhianon. I freaking love you guys. You both don't know how much better you guys make me feel. Just knowing you guys are there for me makes me feel a little optimistic. I am so glad that I know I could talk to you guys if I needed.

Well I'm taking a shower, night.(:

There are no natural lakes in Puerto Rico.

No one can say I didn't try.
I went on an hour and a half walk. Called all of my friends and listened to my feel good music. None of which seemed to help. I going to sleep. Or at least going to lay in my bed and think. Just know, I tried.

2 years, 2 years, 2 years!!!

So, I just got back from dinner with my uncle and his family. It was pretty fun, it helped me get my mind off of cutting, at least for a little while.
When I got home I threw my sweats on and started to lay down in bed, but all I could think about was what was laying beneath me. And I knew that if i didn't get up and leave the house I would cut. It sucks that this is what my life has come to. Running from my house, its quite pathetic and disgusting. And what sucks even more is that I have no one to talk to when I am this low.

Someone should just shoot me.

Winter in Uranus lasts 21 years.

My favorite season: Summer(:
My least favorite season: Summer. :(

I freaking love the weather and just the feel of summer. Being with my friends, family coming to visit, I just love summer, but at the same time.. I hate it.

Summer is the hardest time of the year for me. For multiple reasons, summer is usually when my cutting gets bad and this year, I am trying to stay strong. I am trying to talk to people about things, but no one cares or wants to listen. I think they think I want attention, but it's not true. I just don't want to cut. Last year this time I was doing drugs and I didn't have to feel. This year, I think drugs are stupid, and I can't cut. So, I am forced to feel. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I almost feel like this isn't worth it, life isn't worth it. I was so much happier when I cut, I just want to do it again, but I don't ever want to explain my scars to my cousins. I am ashamed that I had to cut to be happy. I just want to be happy. All I can think about right now is cutting and how good it would feel. I want to talk to someone, but the people I do talk to, don't give a freaaak, and the people that would listen, I can't get myself to talk to. I am, stuck..

I tried to talk to my mom, hoping she would just, maybe this one time, listen. She didn't. I get so freaking frustrated, because Jasmine goes to her every night and they talk about multiple things and this ONE time, I need to talk to her she just told me she was too tired. It hurts, so bad. I hate feeling like a burden, like I don't matter, but Jasmine does. I am not stupid I know everyone loves Jasmine more than me. All my family in Missouri and all my family here, all love her more. and I say I don't care, but I do. I want to have someone care if I live or die, or if I'm having a bad day.

If I ever have kids, I will never be too tired for my kids or compare them to one another, because it hurts. I know I will never have that light in my eyes like Darwin. I know I will never be as good as Jasmine. I get that, but hearing it from people hurts, so bad. I already know I don't compare to them, but hearing about how Jasmine does this and Darwin does that, kills me. No matter how many bad things Darwin does, he is still the king of the house, to my mom he does no wrong. It's so freaking annoying, because I mess up, on little bit and  I treated like shit for weeks.

I just feel so crappy and I think this has stopped me from wanting to cut, for a minute. So, at least I can talk to nobody, right?

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

The amazing moments in life:

1. Coming home late and going straight to bed.
2. Buying amazing clothes that you found on sale.
3. Holding hands.<3
4. Unexpected moments that become you're favorite moments.
5. Talking on the phone until the morning.
6. Taking long showers that wash away your worries.
7. Feeling as if you belong.
8. Falling asleep instantly when you're upset.
9. Meeting people that happen to change your life.
10.Waking up after a great nights sleep.
11. Knowing someone cares about you.
12. Getting out of a tanning bed.
13. Beings satisfied after a meal.
14. That feeling after you stand up for yourself.
15. When that song comes on and it helps you with your current problem.
16. Getting that text, right when you needed it.
17. The calm feeling after you pray.
18. Those crazy nights with friends or family.
19. Drinking hot chocolate after a cold day outside and feeling it unfreeze your body.
20. Realizing everything is going to be okay.

Johnny Depp is afraid of clowns.

One confession.

I want to tell my secret to someone so bad, I dream about it, constantly, but I don't quite know who to tell it to. I want to be the first to tell them, I have never had that, everyone has always told for me. I want to be strong like her. I envy her, but I am also glad she isn't in my shoes. So I sit her, waiting, patiently for my time to shine. To tell someone that doesn't know me. I can't wait for the day, the day, I become strong, for once.

A bee has five eyes.

Two words that describe your life right now.

One; Ehh; I have no reason to be sad, but I have no reason to be happy. So, I am just ehhh.
Two; Scared; I am so freaking scared of everything right now. I want to talk about it, but I am too scared to tell anyone. I don't even know what to do.

Hippopotamus milk is pink.

Three favorite foods, moveis, and colors.

One; Steak.
Two; Cafe Rio.
Three; Grandma's cooking.(:

One; The Blind Side.
Two; Remember The Titans.
Three; Second-hand Lions.

One; Blue.
Two; Purple.
Three; Green.

The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump.

Four moments that changed your life.

One; The day my secret was told.
Two; When I realized that my father had done drugs and stuff, I will never forget it.
Three; The first time I cut or did drugs.
Four; That one summer. I will never forget it.