Woohoo!

I thought by now I would have my life at least a little figured out, but it's not, at all..(:

I texted two people today, and they are really important to me.. I have such a bond with them and it's almost describable.

Leslee;

I don't even know when we grew so close? I just know that when I say my prayers at night, you always seem to be apart of them. I am so thankful for you and what you have taught and done for me. I just like how you accept me, even though you know that I don't always choose the right. I trust you in ways that I don't trust others. I have told you more about me, then I have told some of my family. You just make my day so much better whenever I see or talk to you. It's like, weird when I think about it, because I don't remember how we even got to this relationship.. You are one of my best friends, although we rarely talk, you just mean the world to me and it makes me happy that you are always there..(: You are such an amazing person, you aren't like every other person I have met, I love how awkward you are, it makes my year. :) Ahhhh, I just love you, that's all.

-Britt.

Denmark;

Oh man, I have had the worst week so far, and just talking to you made it like 40% better. I just feel like you know me through and through and it makes me happy. I am happy that you don't hate me, even when you know me. I just love how amazing you were.(: You make me feel so safe and loved. No one knows me like you do and I don't know, I just feel so much better when I have you in my life and I talk to you. You are my hero, because you are so freaking strong. No matter what you do and what comes your way you stand up and take it and you are just my inspiration in life. I want to be like you one day, because you are such an amazing person.<3 I have already said so much about you on my blog, I just have no more words today. I love you lots. Thanks so much!

-Britt.

So life sucks, still. I just wish I could talk to someone about what I am feeling, but I can't, because I don't even know where to begin. 2012, please get better, because I need you to. If you read my blog, I love you.<3

Goodnight.<3

--- Britt.<3

Now I lay me down to sleep..

My head is so full of thoughts, so maybe if I just let them out, they will not be so heavy? I am sitting in my bathroom, on the floor holding Shakieyia, with the light off and I can't stop crying. I never felt safe, but I did feel secure. I can't believe that after almost eleven years I let him get to me. People keep playing games with my brain and it keeps breaking my heat. I wish I were stronger, I hate being weak. I'm so pathetic letting everything affect me. I wish my family understood, and didn't make me feel stupid. I wish I had a dad to give me a hug and make me feel safe. I need a hug from my uncles, and one from my grandpa, and one from denmark, those are the people that make me feel safest. That make me feel less alone in this world. Praying isn't helping and the devil is telling me to cut. My head keeps spinning and I see one face. The face of every nightmare I've had since age eight. I am having a panic attack, I can't believe that after all this time he still doesn't believe me. Like I would lie about something so serious. I think that hurts the most, him not believing me. And what hurts the second is my brother and sister calling me stupid. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to get over it. I have tried for so long, but I couldn't talk. I was scared, and still I fear. I'm so proud of you two for being strong and being survivors while I sit here as a victim. I wish I was a survivor too.

Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the lord my soul to keep.
And if I die before I wake.
I pray the lord my soul to take.

As a child this was in a picture frame with a little girl kneeling and I said it every night. It keeps going through my head now, so I thought I should write it.
I'm heading to bed,
Goodnight.<3

It always hurts the same.

A shot to kill the pain.

A pill to drain the shame.

A purge to stop the gain.

A cut to break the vein.

A smoke to ease the crave.

A drink to win the game.

An addiction's an addiction

because it always hurts the same.

My scars.

I was at the store and I forgot to wear a jacket and this person saw my scars and they looked at me in disgust. Like I was a horrible person for doing what I do. Like I didn't belong with society. All that was going through my head was this:

They aren't just scars

They're what I've overcome

They're lonely nights.

They're insults.

They're insecurities.

They're emotions.

They're your fault.

<3

-Britt

My mind, is racing..

It's the third day of the new year, and I honestly was hoping I would feel different. I do this every year, where I hope to be a better person, and change, but I never do. I am so freaking unhappy. I just have so much going on in my head right now that I can't deal with life. I have no friends. I have no one I can call and talk to or no one I can call up and ask to kick it, because all my friends suck. My 'friends' are the ones that only want someone there for them, but when I need someone they are no where to be found. They are the type of people that will only do something if it benefits them and they talk crap behind my back. If they aren't getting something out of it, they want nothing to do with it. I am so sick of it. I am sick of being the one to provide for everyone. I am sick of being the one to ask if they want to hang out and not the other way around. I am honestly not going to do it anymore. I know I have said multiple times that I won't, but this time I mean it. I can be using my time and money for more important things. I don't need them in my life. Usually friends are supposed to lift you up, but mine just bring me down. I am more happy sitting alone than with them, so screw it. I am so done, dealing with useless things that bring me down. I can't deal with caring about people and then having them turn their backs when they have something better. I can't do the whole I love you to your face, but when I turn around have a knife in my back. I refuse to be the person you all walk all over. I am not going to do it any longer. You aren't worth it. So go ahead and like my status' and all that stuff, because I am not going to text or call you first. I am not going to go out of my way to do something for you. I am going to start being selfish. I will think of myself before I even remember I have a friend with your name. I am going to become what you all have been to me these past couple years. I am not going to bite my tongue any longer and if you don't have money, I will not pay for you. If you want something done, don't ask me. I am so done.
Another thing that gets me about them, is they don't even care to read my blog, they don't care what I feel. If they had a blog, I would read it and try and be there for them, but they could careless about me. They use me. And I am so sick of it. UGH, I am so freaking hurt by all my 'friends' actions, it's ridiculous.

Next subject, Oregon. I donI't think you understand that as soon as I get money and Jasmine gets money and time off how fast I will be there. I miss those kids so much, it hurts. I talk to them on the phone all the time and hear their stories and I get sad. I don't want their lives to go on without me, but at the same time, I know they need to. They just seem so grown up and it sucks. I can't wait to go visit so I can get annoyed of them.(: ahha. I also miss Aunt Becky and Andrew. I didn't realize how much I would. Aunt Becky and I text EVERYDAY, pretty much. I don't know. I just feel like lonely, sad, empty, incomplete, etc. without them all in my daily life. I miss them all so much..(:

On to the next, Brook. Ohmygoodness. So at first it was her avoiding me, but now it's me avoiding her. I don't do it on purpose, I just feel abandoned right now and I don't want her to abandon me too. I have all my friend abandoning me, my aunt, uncle and cousins abandoning me, I don't want my best friend to leave me too. I don't know, I just feel really fragile and I don't want anything bad to happen to me right now, because I might not be able to take it. I am barely hanging on as it is.

Well, I am going to go on some sites. and listen to one direction? I think that is their name, my friend on tumblr told me to listen to a song, because I never have. I really hope I don't like them, because I hate trends and stuff. ahha.

Thanks for reading.
(if anyone even does.)
-Brittany.<3

Jump Brittany!

I am so sick of everyone pressuring me into doing stuff. I hate it. I am not the person that can just have my life decided for me. I have anxiety. I freak out, daily. I have anxiety attacks and no, sometimes it won't be okay. Do not tell me what I will do and stuff. It doesn't make me want to do it. I hate not having a choice. I never have a choice. I am never in control. I want to be in control. I hate that you all choose favorites and I'm never it. I hate that someone can treat me a certain way but once I retaliate I am the bad person. No, life doesn't work like that. If you can't take it, don't dish it. I hate how people act like they like me or enjoy my company.. I know you don't. I am just second best. And no, imitation is not the highest form of flattery. I love how you always have to act like me so that people will love you. Be yourself. Grow a pair. Stop trying to be like me, it gets old.

Anyway, that was my first rant of the new year.(:

This year I want to blog more, express my feelings more. I want to make new friends and attend church a little more. I want to stop caring what you all think of me. I want to pass at least three things off my bucket list. I want to rewrite my bucket list. I want to write in a journal or private blog. I want to find out who my true friends are. I want to not let others walk all over me. I want to be me, Brittany.

Hello new year, I'm becoming a different person. Please catch me, because I'm about to jump.(: