My head is so full of thoughts, so maybe if I just let them out, they will not be so heavy? I am sitting in my bathroom, on the floor holding Shakieyia, with the light off and I can't stop crying. I never felt safe, but I did feel secure. I can't believe that after almost eleven years I let him get to me. People keep playing games with my brain and it keeps breaking my heat. I wish I were stronger, I hate being weak. I'm so pathetic letting everything affect me. I wish my family understood, and didn't make me feel stupid. I wish I had a dad to give me a hug and make me feel safe. I need a hug from my uncles, and one from my grandpa, and one from denmark, those are the people that make me feel safest. That make me feel less alone in this world. Praying isn't helping and the devil is telling me to cut. My head keeps spinning and I see one face. The face of every nightmare I've had since age eight. I am having a panic attack, I can't believe that after all this time he still doesn't believe me. Like I would lie about something so serious. I think that hurts the most, him not believing me. And what hurts the second is my brother and sister calling me stupid. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to get over it. I have tried for so long, but I couldn't talk. I was scared, and still I fear. I'm so proud of you two for being strong and being survivors while I sit here as a victim. I wish I was a survivor too.
Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the lord my soul to keep.
And if I die before I wake.
I pray the lord my soul to take.
As a child this was in a picture frame with a little girl kneeling and I said it every night. It keeps going through my head now, so I thought I should write it.
I'm heading to bed,
Goodnight.<3
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