To whom it may concern:

Please keep walking away from me, I don't matter much anyway.
Please continue to tell my secrets, it's a great reminder for me to not trust you.
Please continue to not be there for me, because It's not like I'm having a mental breakdown.
Please forgive me, I know you may not now, but please eventually forgive me.

Goodbye love.

I'm not good with goodbyes, because I know that after a couple months I will lose touch with the person. Not because I no longer love them, but because I feel I no longer mean anything to them. I know it's stupid, but I can't help it. I push people away more than anything else in this world. I hate that I do it, but I can't really help it. I try so hard, but I never stay in touch, it sucks.

My titles usually have nothing to do with the posts.(:

I'm the girl with the loud voice and the even more obnoxious laugh. I am the girl you that almost always has a smile on. The awkward girl that talks to random people and waves to cars passing by. The one that does a victory dance when she is happy. I am the girl who you tell your problem to, the girl you can trust. You all know me, right? Wrong, because no one knows me. Everyone thinks my life is so perfect an I have nothing to complain about. And that's not true, I feel guilty every single day of my life, because someone else deserves this spot on earth more than I do. The only reason I get out of bed each morning is because I have to pee. Other than that, I'd rather just hide. I feel like no one loves me an I feel like no one cares. I know I hate hugs, but I wish someone would just come up to me and tell me they love me. That's all I care about, acceptance. I don't know, I'm just sick of feeling awkward and out of place. But I guess that's life?

I know what you're thinking, attention whore? But no, because I don't think anyone will read this anyway.

Frickity-frick.

You know how people do or say something and you know they don't mean it hurtful, but you can't help but take it that way? Yeah, today has had many instance like that and I feel stupid for being totally crushed. I have really been having a rough day and it was supposed to be a big day for me. I had something really exciting happen to me and when I called to tell some people they didn't answer and I never got a call back. That hurts, because it doesn't have to be a long conversation. Just a quick, "hi, what's going on?" "okay, bye"

It also hurts when you think someone likes you and cares about you, but they don't. Not in a lovey dovey boyfriend way, but just like people who you thought cared, but when it came down to it nobody give a flying eff.. Idk.

A lot of stuff has been put into perspective to me lately. I have no one and that sucks. Everyone tells me their problems but I can't trust them for mine. I get called attention whore, cold hearted bitch, etc. almost everyday. I know I should just ignore it, but it hurts. It hurts that I am thought of that way. Idk, I feel stupid.

I just feel so stupid.

Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

I'm pretty smart when it comes to trusting people and secrets. No single person, aside from myself, knows every secret. I may tell a person a lot, but I won't tell them everything. There are some things that no one knows. I choose very wisely who I tell which secret too, so when a secret gets out, I almost always know who told. This being said, why does almost every secret get told. I will say "don't tell anyone!!" and then when it gets back to me and I confront that person I hear the "I thought it was okay, because (insert stupid excuse here)." no! It's not okay, when I say don't tell anyone, that means don't tell anyone. Come or. It's not hard to keep a secret. I do it on the daily.(:

We might die from the medication, but we sure have killed the pain.

How bout them apples and bananas?!

Kay, so I'm not really good at expressing my feelings. When I feel attacked, hurt, or anything of that matter I immediately go into attack mode and I take names later. A couple of things have happened recently, and I figure out where i really stand in a lot of people's lives. I've noticed that I'm only fun to hang out with when no one else can hang out, that my help is only needed when no one else is willing to help, i am only needed to help you but you don't want to help me. Basically, I feel used by a majority of the people in my life and it hurts like hell.

I have really been struggling with self harm lately. I'm not saying I've done it, but I'm not saying I haven't. All I am saying is that it's a struggle I am faced with everyday. It hurts to think that I am really that low sometimes that I actually have to hurt myself. When I think of another person self harming I get disgusted. I am not saying this for attention, but I'm just saying that just because a person is smiling doesn't mean they aren't struggling. So maybe go out of your way to make a random person smile. Everyone is going through their own little hells.

I am a very accepting person. I may judge someone's appearance, but that's normal. I, however, hardly judge someone's personality. I'm not the kind of person that will give someone crap for being themselves. That's just not me. It's annoying/frustrating (whatever word fits best) that the people that I'm most accepting of judge me the most.

I try so hard for people to like me, I try to listen to everyone and give advice when needed. I try to pray every night for every single person I love, I text little reminders to people telling them I love them and to have a good days I am always trying, hoping that in return someone would do the same for me. Not out of pity, but out of love. No one loves me though, I am nothing to anyone. All the people that I would jump in front of a bullet for and not even think twice, would sit there and watch the bullet hit me. I hear everyone say, " you know I'm here" "if you ever need to talk.." "blah.. Blah... Blah.. Blah.. Blah." No offense but most the time that's a lie. Whenever I need to talk I have to pray, because God is the only one that won't tell everyone, he is the only one that doesn't go on about his trials, and he is the only one that really listens. The rest of you always have a story that you can compare, too busy, or think you need to tell someone. It's annoying and obnoxious.

I'd love to sit here and say that I am just going to live for me and be happy. That I'm not going to pay attention to what person 1, 3, and 7 are doing, but in all actuality, I can't ignore how I feel. You can all sit here and judge me, talk crap about me, call me an attention whore, replace me, forget about me, etc. but when you need that shoulder to lean on, I'll probably be the one you call, because that's what you folks do. You hurt the ones closest to you, the ones you know will love and be there for you regardless. Trust me, I am guilty of the same. But as I sit here and ponder, I think it's pretty f'd up. I'm going to make a real effort to not take all my problems out on the people who deserve it least, because it hurts.

Well, I'm done having a pity party. Thanks for joining, (if anyone did) goodnight!