What is 2011?

2011 is the year that went by so fast, maybe a little too fast. It's the year your so called friend walks out of your life, and it's the year you realize who the real ones are. It's the year you felt the most pressure to the point where you gave up so many times, but you're still learning to get back up. It's the year you said you were going to accomplish great things, yet, you feel feel like you just wasted time. It's the year you cried over too many pointless things, too many times. It's the year you look back on all the lifetime memories in which you find yourself missing the people in them. But it's also the year you move on, slowly, and you realize that, that is okay. :) 2011, is also the year where you learn about yourself, how much you can actually take, how strong you have become. It is the year where you opened up and learn to try and trust someone. Goodbye 2011. Thanks for all you taught me. 2012? I hope you teach me just as much.<3

2012 is the year that I wish for change. I wish that every person will be accepted no matter what or who they are. I wish that those who do drugs will realize how much it hurts those around them. I wish that suicide will become a thing of the past and that love takes it's place. I wish that understanding takes the place of judgement. I wish families would forgive one another. I wish the walls of everyone's heart will be knocked down. I wish everyone would learn to stand up for themselves and stop being doormats. I wish those who self-harm will stop getting called attention whores and get help. I wish you all would stop caring about yourselves and start caring about others. I wish everyone would believe in God or at least stop calling those who do believe stupid. I wish we could stop disease and hunger in the world. I wish for world peace. I wish all the troops can come home and be with their children and families. I wish all the murders would stop hurting innocent people. I wish happiness to all the children. I wish sexual predators would stop harming souls. I wish those who are not with their families will go home. I wish parents would accept their children no matter who they decide to love. I wish being overweight didn't matter. I wish houses would stop getting foreclosed on. I wish people would stop being greedy. I wish that instead of judging your neighbor you decide to help them. I wish for everyone to have a friend. I wish that all the past be forgotten. I wish the past won't repeat itself. I wish everyone would support our troops. I wish everyone will support one another. I wish right would always win.  I wish the words; gay, faggot, retard, slut, whore, and hoe would be come extinct. I wish the phrase, 'you asked for it' would stop being used when talking to victims of abuse. I  just wish so much for you 2012. 

Parents lie.

So I think its funny, but also kind of sad. My whole life I was told, 'if you start doing drugs, I will know' or 'If you start drinking, I will know' or 'if you ever cut again, I will know'. Let's just be honest here, you don't know. Whenever I have done any of the three things up there, I always end up telling, not getting caught. I'm not bragging here, but I'm a pretty smart girl, if I want something hidden, you won't find it. I know how to read people very well, so I know what you think you know about me. Anyway, parents don't know crap, when I have kids, they'll get caught. Easy as that..

Also, I noticed someone trying to read me today, either to get to know me or just see what I'm about.. I know you don't read my blog, but I saw you.. if you have any questions, just ask. Don't judge.(:

The person you used to know.

Would you notice if I wasn't there?
Would you even think of me?
They say you don't know what you have till its gone, but is that how it would be?
Would I be thought about often?
Would you know my name?
I feel like I'm nothing to you.
Just another niece, sister, or cousin.
Just another person in your house.
Do I mean a thing?
Will I ever?
Or would I just be Brittany?
The person you used to know..

I need someone?

Well, today went by better than the past days have.. I woke up, cleaned, got ready, went shopping, came home, opened gifts, called my friends over, gave them their gifts, played uno, made my bed with my new sheets, and now I'm laying ib bed writing.(: if I keep busy I am happier.. I did have to keep reminding myself to smile, which makes me even sadder. Idk, today was average.. I can't believe tomorrow is Christmas? It doesn't feel like it, bleehhhk, I have to make noodles, I hate doing it. I wish I had someone to talk to, someone to trust, to bounce my ideas off of, yes, I need someone..

The thoughts room.

Whilst on tumblr, I found this, I made me feel so much better. You should try it? I am so much more relaxed now.((:

Just click the link?:
http://thequietplaceproject.com/thethoughtsroom/?page=thethoughtsroom&lang=

Dear you,

I'm sorry for hurting you when I get angry.
I just don't know what else to do.
I'm so freaking sad all the time.
So I take it all out on you.
Whenever I look at you, it disgusts me.
I feel bad for not being strong enough.
I owe you my life, without you, I'd have lost it.
I regret everything I've done.

If I could make it up to you, I would.
But how could I?
You can't just forget and forgive when all you are all scars.
I really messed up bigtime, I'm a bad person.
I can't take any of it back, I tried to erase the past before.
It doesn't work and it makes my skin sore.
If this sorry isn't good enough, maybe this thank you is.
Thanks for being my only friend.
Thanks for helping me through all the hard times.
Thanks for saving my life.
Thanks for reminding me not to trust a soul.
Thanks for the memories the burn holds.
Thanks for helping me through my whole life.
I wish I didn't have to use you now, but its the only thing that feels right.
Sincerely,
Me.

Frustated..

So, I'm frustrated. I am frustrated
I with my life, my friends, my family, and myself. I feel as if I am living my life just waiting to die, is that what I'm supposed to be doing? I am just so sad all the time right now and the only thing I can think of is those who have passed before me. I miss everyone so much, how different would my life be without them all affecting it in someway? I know that the past is not to be dwelled on, but its all I ever think about because, it is what makes me, Brittany. Its what makes me tick, laugh, cry, etc. I know you are all in heaven, everyone I am thinking of, I miss and love you so much. I hope I'm not disappointing you, I hope you're not mad at me, I hope heaven is everything its said to be.(:
Next, I'm frustrated with my friends. One of them keeps pushing me away, and as much as I understand it, it still hurts. Because all I want to do is be there for her and she won't let me. The next friend, he is frustrating me because as much as I love him, he.. I can't even find the word for it. I just feel like the only person I am ever allowed to be with or talk about or talk to is him. And he gets jealous so easy, I don't get mad when he hangs out with other people or talk about his friends, but as soon as I do he freaks out and I just can't deal with the emotions every day. Gah! And the last friend, I am always second choice. She always ditches me, always. Its annoying because I try so hard, but really, you can only try so hard for so long before it all just doesn't matter.. I am beginning to just give up.
Next, my family? Where to start.. I feel like I'm nothing to them, like they could careless wether I live or die. I feel like I am just anyone and I don't think you are supposed to feel that way with family? You are supposed to feel included, loved, safe and I don't feel that. I feel judged, stupid, out of place, unwanted, crazy, need I go on? I'm scared for Christmas dinner, because I don't want to feel these things. I thought I was supposed to feel safe with la familia, guess not? :( bummed..
Lastly, myself. I literally can't stand myself. I get so mad at myself lately, like I'm mad that I am sitting here writing on this blog like someone is going to read or even if they do read it will give an eff. I have become the person who has feelings and I hate it. How do I control my feelings? I used to just push them all down, deep inside and then cry in my bed. But no, I like feel and stuff now, and I hate it. I hate letting people know they got to me, or how to get to me..
Simple enough, I am frustrated. But I'm heading to bed now. <3
Excuse the typos, I am running on no sleep, because my head never shuts off.

Dear Santa,

When I was little, I used to write a list of everything I wanted for Christmas, but let's be honest, a puzzle wouldn't make me happy today. All I want for Christmas this year is for my mom to feel better, for my brother to get out of the druggie mentallity, I want my sister to find a man and have kids, I want Brook to be happy and stop pushing others away, I want Skyler to embrace his feelings and be himself, I want my cousins to be happy and learn from our mistakes, I want Christen to learn that life will end up okay. Santa, I want my family to become one again. I want you to promise I will die before those who mean something to me. Oh Santa please, I'll do anything. I want world hunger to end and gays to be accepted. I want child abuse to stop and I want everyone to have a friend. Santa, I don't need anything just for me, everyone's happiness will do. Oh please Santa, have my Christmas list come true.
Sincerely,
The girl who is broken inside but smiles just for you.

I just don't care.

I just don't care. I just don't care about Christmas this year, I was so excited for it, but now, I could care less. I am over everything in this world right now. I hate myself, my life, and my 'friends'. No one is there for me, no one is here for me. All I want to do is sit in my room and cry. I don't know why I am so sad, maybe it's because I don't feel loved. I think everyone hates me, everyone does hate me. I am so stupid, I am pointless. I am just so not happy right now. Everyone says fake it till you make it, I have been doing that and the shit don't work. :(

How pathetic, the people of tumblr, who I don't even know, care more about me than my family & close friends. FML.

Let's be honest.

At some point; You are going to sit in your bed all night and cry about everything that's happened to you that day. You're gonna have a day where everything goes perfect. Nothing is ever going to go as it's planned. You're going to have a best friend then find out they talk shit about you behind your back. You're going to meet the most amazing person in the world, fall in love, and then get left behind and forgotten about a month later. You're going to go on a vacation and miss everything about it when you leave. You're going to have the best day of your life. You're going to have moments where you feel like nothing could bring you down and everything is perfect. You're going to go to parties, and get taken advantage of. You're going to get drunk and say something that you will regret saying. You're going to have someone who you share everything with, then slowly fade away from each and eventually never talk again. You're going to take pictures and think "what was I thinking?" a year later. You're going to go on the most amazing trip and meet the most amazing people ever and then never talk to or see them again. You're going to fall in and out of love. You're going to tell someone something and it's going to spread around. You're going to read something that breaks your heart, but you can't stop reading it over and over. You're going to miss someone everyday but not do anything about it. You're going to have awkward moments where you see someone and remember everything that you've been through together. You're going to be a bitch to someone and remember everything that effected them. You're going to have to act like you don't care when really, you're heart broken. You're going to kiss people and regret it later. Don't live in the past. Don't live in the future. Live for right now. Smile. You're young. And only getting older. Don't let anyone stop you.
<3

If I write them down will they leave my brain?

I love music lately.
I am not going to text you first, and if we fall apart it is because you didn't care enough to text me.
These are supposed to be the times of our lives, why does everyone seem to be wasting them?
I am not naive. I know a lot more than you think I do.
Yes, when you talk about feelings I do tend to laugh. Feelings are awkward, I don't think you are supposed to share them like that.
I don't really care about many things anymore, life has a way of going on..
My birthday is soon, I can't wait.
Stop being so shy & awkward.
Just because we share the same religion doesn't mean you can hug me and stuff.
Ahha, you're not that funny, but I am laughing at you. :)
I miss a couple people, mostly my Aunt Pam & Brook & Darwin.
Stop trying to get attention, it's getting on my nerves.
I need to stop getting so anxious, it will be okay.
Ahhhh, don't do stuff if you feel bad after doing it.
Gahhh, don't complain about doing bad stuff because you feel guilty and then continue to do it.
You guys moving, is killing me.
As soon as you let someone in, they abandon you.
My status' are so happy lately, I am so happy lately.
I have noticed that with my entire family that everyone talks about you after you leave.
Don't trust anyone.
If you have nothing nice to say, come sit by me, I probably have something funny to add.
If I am not worth your time, honey, you probably haven't been worth mine.
Young, Wild, & Free; Favorite song right now?
I love my bed.
I love to read so much.
I wish life was like the book, Matched.
I need new quotes.
You're are so funny. Your stuff is right here. See the difference? Stop messing it up.
I can't wait for Christmas for two reason. My wii and no more Christmas music.
On New Year's I want to do something crazy.
I wish I was turning twenty-one.
I grew up so much this past year.
I really hope the world doesn't end in 2012.
Waaaah, don't move? :/
I need new songs to blast.
I just miss my old house, this place isn't home for me.
My friends suck lately.
I wish Brook were here.
I will never break my promise.
All I want is a tattoo. :)
I want a daughter so I can name her.
I want to marry someone with blue eyes, so maybe my daughter might be lucky and have them.
I can't believe I started this post literally 5 minutes ago and I just ran out of things running through my head.


I am going to go lay in bed and read.
<3