So, I'm frustrated. I am frustrated
I with my life, my friends, my family, and myself. I feel as if I am living my life just waiting to die, is that what I'm supposed to be doing? I am just so sad all the time right now and the only thing I can think of is those who have passed before me. I miss everyone so much, how different would my life be without them all affecting it in someway? I know that the past is not to be dwelled on, but its all I ever think about because, it is what makes me, Brittany. Its what makes me tick, laugh, cry, etc. I know you are all in heaven, everyone I am thinking of, I miss and love you so much. I hope I'm not disappointing you, I hope you're not mad at me, I hope heaven is everything its said to be.(:
Next, I'm frustrated with my friends. One of them keeps pushing me away, and as much as I understand it, it still hurts. Because all I want to do is be there for her and she won't let me. The next friend, he is frustrating me because as much as I love him, he.. I can't even find the word for it. I just feel like the only person I am ever allowed to be with or talk about or talk to is him. And he gets jealous so easy, I don't get mad when he hangs out with other people or talk about his friends, but as soon as I do he freaks out and I just can't deal with the emotions every day. Gah! And the last friend, I am always second choice. She always ditches me, always. Its annoying because I try so hard, but really, you can only try so hard for so long before it all just doesn't matter.. I am beginning to just give up.
Next, my family? Where to start.. I feel like I'm nothing to them, like they could careless wether I live or die. I feel like I am just anyone and I don't think you are supposed to feel that way with family? You are supposed to feel included, loved, safe and I don't feel that. I feel judged, stupid, out of place, unwanted, crazy, need I go on? I'm scared for Christmas dinner, because I don't want to feel these things. I thought I was supposed to feel safe with la familia, guess not? :( bummed..
Lastly, myself. I literally can't stand myself. I get so mad at myself lately, like I'm mad that I am sitting here writing on this blog like someone is going to read or even if they do read it will give an eff. I have become the person who has feelings and I hate it. How do I control my feelings? I used to just push them all down, deep inside and then cry in my bed. But no, I like feel and stuff now, and I hate it. I hate letting people know they got to me, or how to get to me..
Simple enough, I am frustrated. But I'm heading to bed now. <3
Excuse the typos, I am running on no sleep, because my head never shuts off.
I with my life, my friends, my family, and myself. I feel as if I am living my life just waiting to die, is that what I'm supposed to be doing? I am just so sad all the time right now and the only thing I can think of is those who have passed before me. I miss everyone so much, how different would my life be without them all affecting it in someway? I know that the past is not to be dwelled on, but its all I ever think about because, it is what makes me, Brittany. Its what makes me tick, laugh, cry, etc. I know you are all in heaven, everyone I am thinking of, I miss and love you so much. I hope I'm not disappointing you, I hope you're not mad at me, I hope heaven is everything its said to be.(:
Next, I'm frustrated with my friends. One of them keeps pushing me away, and as much as I understand it, it still hurts. Because all I want to do is be there for her and she won't let me. The next friend, he is frustrating me because as much as I love him, he.. I can't even find the word for it. I just feel like the only person I am ever allowed to be with or talk about or talk to is him. And he gets jealous so easy, I don't get mad when he hangs out with other people or talk about his friends, but as soon as I do he freaks out and I just can't deal with the emotions every day. Gah! And the last friend, I am always second choice. She always ditches me, always. Its annoying because I try so hard, but really, you can only try so hard for so long before it all just doesn't matter.. I am beginning to just give up.
Next, my family? Where to start.. I feel like I'm nothing to them, like they could careless wether I live or die. I feel like I am just anyone and I don't think you are supposed to feel that way with family? You are supposed to feel included, loved, safe and I don't feel that. I feel judged, stupid, out of place, unwanted, crazy, need I go on? I'm scared for Christmas dinner, because I don't want to feel these things. I thought I was supposed to feel safe with la familia, guess not? :( bummed..
Lastly, myself. I literally can't stand myself. I get so mad at myself lately, like I'm mad that I am sitting here writing on this blog like someone is going to read or even if they do read it will give an eff. I have become the person who has feelings and I hate it. How do I control my feelings? I used to just push them all down, deep inside and then cry in my bed. But no, I like feel and stuff now, and I hate it. I hate letting people know they got to me, or how to get to me..
Simple enough, I am frustrated. But I'm heading to bed now. <3
Excuse the typos, I am running on no sleep, because my head never shuts off.
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