I fancy you.(;

As I look back on my life I realize that no one has ever really been there for me. I am kind of upset, because I'm always there for everyone. I am always talking about the same thing, every time I write on this blog its about trust this, people suck that. I don't understand why I can't have one decent person that actually cares about me. I feel so alone all the time and no matter how hard I try I piss someone off and do something wrong. I am never good enough for anyone and everyone always like some one better. I just can't even breathe right now because I am trying not to sob. I am being replaced in my family with the two people I introduced to my family. I called them my best friends, but now they took over my family and no one even loves me anymore. I am not exaggerating. I literally am the outcast in my family. I am the one that doesn't fit in. I am the one that doesn't matter. My feelings don't matter to anyone and everyone would do so much better without me.

What a wonderful life I have. I really adore my entire family!!

Life is unfair. You put someone first who puts you second. You study your ass off for a final only to get a B in the class when you deserved an A. You give 110% to someone in a relationship when they only give 40%. You’re there for your best friend at 3 a.m. when they need it the most & the next day they don’t pick up their phone. You give something your all & sometimes get little to nothing back. You care so much about someone who doesn’t care enough about you to say hi once in a while. You give someone your time & they give you “sorry, I’m busy”. It seems like you’re giving everyone everything & they’re just walking away with it.

Hushhh.

If you know anything about me, you'd know that I don't share my feelings very much. Usually, I sit in a grumpy manor and ignore everyone. Honestly, I am hurting inside right now. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, but right now I feel as if the whole shoe store is dropping down on me. I can't catch my breath and everyone is being rude and selfish. I really might just go insane. Ugh, so much for being there. It didn't even last a week. I'm nothing to you and you know what?! Great! Because I don't need anyone.

Diamonds are a girls best friend.

So much on my mind. Why does everyone hate me lately? And why do I feel this way? Ugh, I just want this to be okay.

Treat everyone like they're fragile, we are all going through our own little hells.

We're not gonna take it.

I love the feeling when someone says they're gonna be there for you and you can tell they mean it. I just hope it's true.

You know, when you said that if you got into an accident, and you don't know of you'd have the will to live or not.. Yeah, when you said that it broke my little heart, because I love you so much. I feel like you are one of four people who actually understand me. It makes me so happy to talk to you or even get a text from you. I hope you would have the will to live, because I am selfish and want you here. I love everything about you. You're one of the reasons I want to stay alive. I hope you remember me if you ever need a reason to live. <3

To whom it may concern:

Please keep walking away from me, I don't matter much anyway.
Please continue to tell my secrets, it's a great reminder for me to not trust you.
Please continue to not be there for me, because It's not like I'm having a mental breakdown.
Please forgive me, I know you may not now, but please eventually forgive me.

Goodbye love.

I'm not good with goodbyes, because I know that after a couple months I will lose touch with the person. Not because I no longer love them, but because I feel I no longer mean anything to them. I know it's stupid, but I can't help it. I push people away more than anything else in this world. I hate that I do it, but I can't really help it. I try so hard, but I never stay in touch, it sucks.

My titles usually have nothing to do with the posts.(:

I'm the girl with the loud voice and the even more obnoxious laugh. I am the girl you that almost always has a smile on. The awkward girl that talks to random people and waves to cars passing by. The one that does a victory dance when she is happy. I am the girl who you tell your problem to, the girl you can trust. You all know me, right? Wrong, because no one knows me. Everyone thinks my life is so perfect an I have nothing to complain about. And that's not true, I feel guilty every single day of my life, because someone else deserves this spot on earth more than I do. The only reason I get out of bed each morning is because I have to pee. Other than that, I'd rather just hide. I feel like no one loves me an I feel like no one cares. I know I hate hugs, but I wish someone would just come up to me and tell me they love me. That's all I care about, acceptance. I don't know, I'm just sick of feeling awkward and out of place. But I guess that's life?

I know what you're thinking, attention whore? But no, because I don't think anyone will read this anyway.

Frickity-frick.

You know how people do or say something and you know they don't mean it hurtful, but you can't help but take it that way? Yeah, today has had many instance like that and I feel stupid for being totally crushed. I have really been having a rough day and it was supposed to be a big day for me. I had something really exciting happen to me and when I called to tell some people they didn't answer and I never got a call back. That hurts, because it doesn't have to be a long conversation. Just a quick, "hi, what's going on?" "okay, bye"

It also hurts when you think someone likes you and cares about you, but they don't. Not in a lovey dovey boyfriend way, but just like people who you thought cared, but when it came down to it nobody give a flying eff.. Idk.

A lot of stuff has been put into perspective to me lately. I have no one and that sucks. Everyone tells me their problems but I can't trust them for mine. I get called attention whore, cold hearted bitch, etc. almost everyday. I know I should just ignore it, but it hurts. It hurts that I am thought of that way. Idk, I feel stupid.

I just feel so stupid.

Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

I'm pretty smart when it comes to trusting people and secrets. No single person, aside from myself, knows every secret. I may tell a person a lot, but I won't tell them everything. There are some things that no one knows. I choose very wisely who I tell which secret too, so when a secret gets out, I almost always know who told. This being said, why does almost every secret get told. I will say "don't tell anyone!!" and then when it gets back to me and I confront that person I hear the "I thought it was okay, because (insert stupid excuse here)." no! It's not okay, when I say don't tell anyone, that means don't tell anyone. Come or. It's not hard to keep a secret. I do it on the daily.(:

We might die from the medication, but we sure have killed the pain.