Friday, September 30, 2011

I'd rather..

...have a life of  'oh wells' than a life of 'what ifs'.
So a couple things..

One; I don't need you to pretend you like me, chances are, I don't like you either.
Two; I never gave you permission to touch my shoulder or hug me, so don't.
Three; I don't care if it hurts your feelings, if I feel like something needs to be said, I will say it.
Four; If you are having a pity party, don't expect me to come.
Five; Please go tattle on me, funny thing is, I am nineteen and you look like an idiot.
Six; If you get your feelings hurt easily don't hang out with me.
Seven; If you can't take it, don't dish it.
Eight; I will not ever kiss your ass, ever.
Nine; Chances are you don't know me, so don't act like you do.
Ten; If you go around saying you're real, you aren't. People who are real don't have to say it all the time, just like I don't go around saying I have a vagina.
Eleven; If I call you stupid or an idiot and laugh after, don't take offense, you'll annoy me.
Twelve; Don't lie to me and then expect everything to be okay.
Thirteen; If my socks match, my day is going horrible.

The end.


You are what you eat..

...That's strange, I don't remember eating any sexy beasts today.(:
Life is getting back to normal. It took me falling over the edge to realize I was strong enough to hold on to something. I have been pulling myself back up one step at a time. You know, it's funny when you think about it.. How when you realize that you are falling you can't remember how you even got over the edge. Was it my talk with Skyler? Was it my argument with Brook? Was it the night my whole family got into a huge fight? What was it that pushed me or made me jump? Was it just one thing or was it a bunch of things? Every time I have fallen, I don't remember a single thing that got me over that edge, but I do remember everything that made me realize why I need to hold on. This last time it was when I read my best friends blog. She wrote a poem about me. It made me cry. I have always thought that no one really understood me, that I was just a person, but Brook gets me. She understands why I do what I do. She knows how I feel. She is honestly one of the best friends anyone could ever have. I never thought I would be fortunate enough to have people that understand me.

By the way, Brook has a way with words. She is so amazing at writing, makes me not want to even attempt to write. Oh well, some of us have it, some of us don't. Also, she might kill me for putting the poem on, but I am going to anyway, because I just love it so much.  She wrote it after we had an argument. It was over change. We were both heading no where fast and too disappointed in ourselves to admit what we were wrong. Basically we took it out on each other, because we knew we could. But we are fine now, better than ever.(:


FALLEN ANGEL
BY: BROOK BJELLAND

When an angel falls, do their wings break? 
Does their ability to save others subside? 
Do they walk on earth because they can't fly back to heaven? 
Do they wait for someone to save them or lose all hope of return?
Do they stand strong or try to hide?
My fallen angel didn't break her wings but her spirit.
She didn't lose her ability to save others, just herself.
She walked on earth because she didn't know she could fly back to heaven.
She waited for someone to save her, but in the end they only betrayed her.
She never looked at the future, she was to caught up in the past.
Built up walls to hide behind, pushed everyone away, anchored herself to the floor so she could never be thrown away. 

My fallen angel is my best friend.  I've tried to be there for her as much as she is there for me, it's a shame she doesn't know what an impact she's made in my life. I guess it's just my time and my turn to be pushed and thrown away. i want you to know i will miss you more than you will ever know and i wish the best to my fallen angel. You are and always will be my best friend. Thank you for sticking around, even if it wasnt till the end.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

That's what will end me.


I relapsed
Went back to my history.
Today's tommorrow was just yesterdays today,
Which means everything always stays the same
I feed on pain,
but drink up happiness.
I'm waiting to burst but keep hoping I don't
Life isn't what I had hoped.
I can't forget the yesterdays,
That's what will end me.
Did I jump off the edge or was I pushed?
The answer which terrifies me.
I don't want to hide,
but it's the only thing I can do.
No longer breathing,
just grasping.
Someone remind me
Why I keep trying.

I don't think this makes any sense, and I am not as good as I used to be. ://
but i needed to write something.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Nerd? I prefer the term: more intelligent than you.

I am sitting at Aunt Becky's house, watching the first season of Desperate Housewives and all I can think about is a show I watched this morning named Unforgettable. I really like that show, it's amazing, but something in the first episode made me think. At the end of the episode they had a funeral for a girl and she only had a couple people there. It makes me so sad. I don't want to be the person that only has very few people that actually care about me, but I also don't want to be the person that has a bunch of people who hated me and talked about me. I don't know. I just want people at my funeral. I want people to love me and care about me. I don't like that most of my family dislikes and doesn't know me. I want people that will actually think of me and miss me when I'm gone. Hopefully it doesn't happen soon. Cause if so, my funeral is going to be pretty plain.