dear friends.

I wish I could text all my friends and say, "From now on, I am going to be the kind of friend you have been to me. So if you call me; don't expect me to pick up the phone, drop everything, and run to your side, because every time that I have needed you, you have never done that for me. Don't expect me to send you texts giving you words of encouragement when you're mad at the world, or sad. Don't expect me to remind you how much you are loved, because you have never reminded me. Don't expect anything from me, because if I am treating you how you treat me, you won't get it. I will blow you off when we make plans, and when I am having a bad day I will take it out on you. I will choose every other person before you, because I guess that's what friendship means." That's what I wish I could say to my friends, because that's exactly how our friendship is. I am always there for them, but when I am crying and want to give up, when I look around, no one is ever here for me. And I hate it.

When I get older...

.. I will be stronger. They'll call me freedom, just like the wavin' flag."

Dear you:
So I put all your songs from you phone on my computer like 3 weeks ago, remember? Well, I decided to listen to iTunes today and all that keeps playing are your songs.

^That song came on, and I just cried. It's happened multiple times. Or like today, we saw that Sunny D is on sale, and we just started crying, because we miss you so much. Or when we see your friends it makes us sad. I try to remind myself that December isn't so far away, but it is. It's longer than I ever wanted you gone. You mean the world to me kid, why can't you stop doing drugs for me? I would give my life to make it so you never touched another drug, I swear to it. I am just so hurt that you let drugs take you away from you family, even if it's only for a couple months, you're still gone. You are going to miss Jasmine's birthday, you are going to miss Thanksgiving. Do you know what it is going to be like to only have 3 people around our table? Actually, we probably won't even have it. What's the point? We aren't a complete family without you. I just wish you knew how much this hurts us. We all want to protect you, so its hard that we can't right now. I think about you constantly, I might not seem like I love you when you're here, but I do. Be strong for us, please learn from this. I really can't deal with this anymore, every time I think about how I saw you the other day in court, it hurts me. I never want to see that again. I felt so helpless, because you were crying and I just wanted to make it better, but I couldn't. Please, hurry and earn the privilege for us to come see you. All I want right now is to see that you are okay. I love you handsome. Be good and safe.

Love,
Britt<3

"I act tough..

... So no one can see how soft I am inside."

So as I sit here thinking about life, I realize that just two months ago I was considering changing my life around. I wanted to become a new and better person. I wanted to stop doing all the things I was doing wrong, but now. Now, I could care less. I don't know if its because I have given up or because I don't want to change.. I am kind of leaning toward the given up, but also I am at the point where I feel like I am doing right. I mean, I don't go to church every Sunday, but I do pray every night. I have a close relationship with my Heavenly Father, regardless of what bad things I do. I pray all the time, even when I am happy. I honestly, just feel like I have given up. I have heard from numerous people that God loves me, and I hear you all, but I don't think he does. I try to convince myself all the time, but I just can't. The 'fake it till you make it' thing is bull crap. I have never heard something so stupid in my entire life. I just wish I could convince myself not to give up. I don't want to give up, but giving up is the only thing that I am good at.

I am frustrated. I know exactly what to say to my friends, and I make them feel slightly better, but nothing I tell myself makes me feel any better, it actually makes me feel worse. and I can't talk to anyone about how I feel, because then I feel stupid. Feelings are not my expertise, they suck. I get embarrassed when I cry, it makes me hate myself. Crying is a sign of weakness for me, and I don't want to be weak. I need to be strong, because the only person that will be strong for me is, me. I learned this, through my trial with self-mutilation. That I have to be strong and protect myself, because no one has my whole life. I know that everything that I hate about my childhood was my fault, I get that, but I just wanted someone to protect me. Maybe this is why I feel God hates me? or doesn't love me? Because of my childhood, holy cow, it makes sense now. I would hate me too, actually I do hate me for it too. It honestly, has never clicked before, until today. I am so stupid. Why did I have to mess up so much in my childhood. I should have protected my sister and brother and I should have stood up for myself better. I can't believe I was so stupid. Why was I not one of those smart, cute kids? Why wasn't I a strong kid? Why didn't anyone want to protect me? How come I can't talk about this? Why can't I be strong?

I'm so freaking frustrated. :/

Hide and seek.

Look how freaking pretty?!

Love it.

Ahhh, its amazing.

Quinn hiding from Jasmine under my moms desk.

Under Steve's chair.

Under Richard's chair.

We had a good weekend, more pics up as soon as I get the pictures from Aunt Becky.[:

I just want you to feel how I feel.

So two weekends ago was amazing. it started off with going to Rush's soccer game with Grandma. On the way we were getting gas. and at the redbox Jordan and I saw this. 

Loved it.[: made my day.

We ballin'.

this picture explains our crazy night.

I love this kid and this picture, by the way, I was not rollin, I just love my binki.

We have so much fun together.

On Saturday I went to a haunted house with Christen, Jordan, Skyler, and Chance.

This is when we were waiting for Skyler.. (of course)

Also when we were waiting for Skyler..

Outside the haunted house. I look like CRAP, but it was a fun night..

It's up to me...

..to be drug free.

How ironic, it was red ribbon week at school.

Aunt Becky and Darwin reppin' red ribbon week.

Jack & Jill's..

We took Quinn bowling.

She did pretty good.

She didn't care about anything but getting that ball down the lane.

She is so cute.

The ball weighs just as much as her.

She did pretty good. She got a strike later on. What the crap?!

She is so cute.

I love this little girl.

Jasmine and Aunt Becky had to go to joann's, so Rush and I decided we were too cool to look at paper and went to explore.

This little boy is so cute, I cut me out of the picture, cause I looked like poo. but we both had crowns on.[:

Successful day, ✔

Numb.

I am numb, numb to all feelings. The only thing worse than feeling, is not feeling at all.
I am only thinking about cutting right now.
I need a pick me up.
This is why I asked all my friends to write me letters, but of course they haven't.
I need something to read when I am down like this.
Walks aren't helping.
I feel like like I am not human.
I hate this numb feeling.
I really hate this. :(

Friend.

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

Parents loose children..

...children are neglected, marriages and relationships are destroyed,

because of drugs. Tell me, is it worth it?  Was it worth it?

Drugs: 

A chemical substance, such as a narcotic or hallucinogen, that affects the central nervous system, causing changes in behavior and often addiction.

^ This, folks, is why I sat up all night in tears, why I went on a walk yesterday and cried the whole time, and its why I woke up in tears. Doing drugs is one of the most selfish things anyone could do. I never realized that until  yesterday. I will never again put another drug to my mouth to have fun, ever. It's not worth it. I have seen both sides of the drug world. I have done them, and I have watched someone I really love and care about do them. Believe me, the second one is the hardest. You know, drugs were always in my life when I was little. They are a big factor in who and how I am today. 

When I was little I saw what they did to a family. They ripped my family apart. I swore to myself I would never, ever do drugs. But as I grew older, I began to forget the past, actually not forget, I just stopped caring. I stopped caring that my dad didn't want to be a part of our lives, that my family didn't really care about us, because it all seemed so hard. That point in my life is when I began to cut. The point where I stopped caring, the point when it all didn't matter, the point where it felt too hard to deal with life. I cut until I was like, seventeen, and then I started doing drugs. First it was weed, then it was anything I could to get high. It began to be an everyday thing, but as soon as I realized I was addicted, I stopped. Because the only thing worse than being addicted is being addicted and knowing, but you can't stop. 

That was my, addicted to drugs story, but there is more. Before I even started doing drugs, someone else very close to me had started. Neither of us have influenced one another, we hardly talked about it. The thing is, I started after and stopped before this person. In fact, to this day, this person is still getting high. Can I tell you this, kills me?! I have told this person over and over again that 'drugs aren't worth it.' It was so much easier for me to kick the habit, because I had already fought an addiction, but this person doesn't know what addiction feels like, cause they have never stopped.

Addiction ruins your life. It makes you pull away from everyone that means something to you. The things you used to love don't matter anymore. Everyone and anything is out to get you. Everything, you once thought was wrong, isn't now. That is what addiction does. It turns your world upside down and kicks you to the ground. It makes you feel like the only way to go is down, because getting up seems too hard. You can't trust anyone, but yourself. This makes you live in a world where you think the only real person is you. That is how addiction ruins your life.

Dear you:

I have written so many letters to you, hoping that one day you'd happen to stop thinking about drugs for one minute and stumble upon my blog. That you would know that life means so much more than this. You have so much more potential in life than this. You always ask everyone that if ten years from now will this matter? And now I want to ask you. In ten years from now will this matter to you? No, because the way you're going you won't be on this earth with us any longer. It will matter to us though, because every breath we take, we will know you couldn't take another. We will always wonder if it was our fault. We would think all the 'what ifs' and 'could I have changed this'. Yesterday, terrified me, it didn't just scare me. I thought I had lost you. When you came home, you looked sick. You went and laid down, and when I went in there, you weren't breathing. Do you hear me? There was no air coming out of you. I screamed your name and punched you, multiple times. You wouldn't wake up. I thought I lost you. You were so pale, paler than I had ever seen anyone before. And no one was answering my phone calls, I was alone and scared and I didn't know what to do. Finally, I ran and got a water bottle and threw some in your face. You woke up and had the most evil looking eyes and you yelled at me. You told me I was annoying and to get the eff out. Now, looking back on it, it all seemed to happens so fast, but slow at the same time. I will never, ever forget this. I had dreams about it last night. I didn't go to sleep until two in the morning, because I was scared you wouldn't wake up. If I had lost you, I don't know if I would still be alive today, I probably wouldn't. I have never been so scared or felt so helpless in my life. And when I went online this morning and the only thing I read was about how bad you felt for ditching your girlfriend, I honestly am so hurt. Because after all that you put me through, all you care about is you. That is what a drug addict mentality will do to you. It turns the most brightest, giving people into dull, selfish assholes. And that is what it did to you. I love you so much and would give my life for you. I only want whats best for you, and I wish you would care about someone else for just a second to see that it is hurting more than just you. It is hurting all of us. In ten years, the actions you are making are going to matter to mom, me, and Jasmine.. I just hope you will be alive so they matter to you too. 

Love you most,

Brittany </3

Two Peas In A Pod.

So I have a couple things to say. Things that weren't on my list, but are kind of bothering me.

Dear you:
I can't tell you how much I miss you. We used to have so much fun together, laughing uncontrollably (sketti). Now, we honestly never talk anymore, unless I text you and say I miss and love you. I find myself waiting, daily, for you to send me a message or something showing that you miss me, but it never happens. I felt like we were so close, 'two peas in a pod' you always said, but now, I don't remember the last time I talked to you. I constantly find myself reaching under my bed to read all those little notes and letters you wrote me. It hurts, because you were the only person I have ever feel like I fully trusted. I told you everything there was to know about me, everything. And as much as I tell myself that all my secrets aren't the reason you don't talk to me, I can't make myself believe it. I know I was/am a lot to handle, but you have done what everyone else in my life has, you abandoned me. As I sit here and write this, I feel nothing but sadness. You were like a mom to me for many years. I had the best relationship with you, ever. You got me to change so much about myself, so much. I honestly think that if it weren't for you I would still be cutting, and I would still be the girl with walls so big that no one could get in. I am so grateful that you helped me break my walls down, so grateful, but at the same time it makes me loathe you. You broke my walls down and then left me. I don't trust anyone like I trust you, never have and probably never will. I have always had this bond with you, that I could never explain.  I remember the first time I actually sat down and talked to you. You were sitting with a room full of people and you asked me if I was okay. I said yes and walked away. I wasn't, something happened to me. I went to the other person involved and asked if she'd told you what happened and she said, "yes, she asked about you and I knew you guys got along well." I wanted to cry, I couldn't believe she told you my secret. Before that night, you were just like a friend to me. We talked about all the good, and left it at that, but that night when you ended up driving me home, and I ended up telling you things I have never told another human being in my life, you became my second mommy. I remember that night like it was yesterday. I hope this distance didn't make you hate me or be disappointed in me, because that would kill me. You are the only person that I truly, truly care what they think of me. I know you have a family to take care of, but I just miss what we used to be. I know we will probably never be the same again, and I am so sad that I pushed you away all the times you tried. This distance between us is mostly because of me, but I just wish that one day, you'll text me first. That one day, you'll care about me again. That one day, we'll talk like old times.
Sincerely,
Brittany<3

To blog about.

So I have a list to blog about, ready for it?

My mom.
Skyler.
Fire pit.
Hair cut.
Drugs.

Three down two more to go!

cause when I was low..

...you were there for me, never left left me alone cause you cared for me.

This beautiful lady is my mom. I love her so freaking much, it hurts.

So, most nights everyone in my family goes to sleep and I stay up and have my alone time, blogging and watching TV and then when I get tired I go and check on my mom and brother, and then go to sleep. Well, I was out watching TV when I decided I wanted to go get a soda, which are in my moms closet.  When I went in there I noticed she was sleeping really good, she usually wakes up when we open her squeaky door. Well, she didn't so I grab my drink and go out and watch TV. After about a second I kind of thought about it and when back in to check on her, because, I worry myself. So, I go in her room and she didn't wake up. I said "mom" multiple times and she still didn't wake up. I was worried, I was scared to touch her, because she has be known to hit us if we touch her while she sleeps, but finally I touch her and she inhales really deep in a startled way. I told her to sit up on her bed and to look at me. I asked if she was okay, she said yes. Well later I hear her up and awake so I went to talk to her and she didn't remember any of it. Honestly, scared the crap out of me. If I ever loose my mom, I will probably kill myself, honest. I don't know who I am with my mom. I love her so much. I honestly wish life was so much easier for her. She works all day just to support us and then she has to do stupid stuff for Darwin. I feel bad that every guy she has ever loved treated her like shit. I feel bad for every time I have treated her like shit. I am so sick of everyone using her, so sick of it. I am also sick of everyone talking crap on her, so what, she doesn't parent how you would or do, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love and care for us as much if not more than you do for your kids. My mom knows EVERYTHING about me, and she still loves me.

The last time I got high, I was sketching out and the only person that I could call was my mom and she had just gotten home from doing stuff all day and she drove thirty minutes to come pick me up. 

When I was little I always felt like my moms favorite, but when we all talk about it, we all did. I don't know how she did it, but she always has found a way to make us all feel special. She has always said or did those things that made us all appreciate her. And we all appreciate her for so many different reasons.

I love my mom, so much, end of story.

Lyrics that remind me of my mom? I'll bold them.

(best song in history? pretty sure.)

DEAR MAMA

TUPAC.

You are appreciated

[Verse One: 2Pac]

When I was a young me and my mama had beef
Seventeen years old kicked out on the streets
Though back at the time, I never thought I'd see her face
Ain't a woman alive that could take my mama's place
Suspended from school; and scared to go home, I was a fool
with the big boys, breakin all the rules
I shed tears with my baby sister
Over the years we was poorer than the other little kids
And even though we had different daddys, the same drama
When things went wrong we'd blame mama
I reminice on the stress I caused, it was hell
Huggin' on my mama from a jail cell
And who'd think in elementary?
Heeey! I see the penitentiary, one day
And runnin from the police, that's right
Mama catch me, put a whoopin to my backside
And even as a crack fiend, mama
You always was a black queen, mama
I finally understand
for a woman it ain't easy tryin to raise a man
You always was committed
A poor single mother on welfare, tell me how ya did it
There's no way I can pay you back
But the plan is to show you that I understand
You are appreciated
Lady...
Don't cha know we love ya? Sweet lady
Dear mama
Place no one above ya, sweet lady
You are appreciated
Don't cha know we love ya?

[Verse Two: 2Pac]

Now ain't nobody tell us it was fair
No love from my daddy cause the coward wasn't there
He passed away and I didn't cry, cause my anger
wouldn't let me feel for a stranger
They say I'm wrong and I'm heartless, but all along
I was lookin for a father he was gone
I hung around with the Thugs, and even though they sold drugs
They showed a young brother love
I moved out and started really hangin
I needed money of my own so I started slangin
I ain't guilty cause, even though I sell rocks
It feels good puttin money in your mailbox
I love payin rent when the rents due
I hope ya got the diamond necklace that I sent to you
Cause when I was low you was there for me
And never left me alone because you cared for me
And I could see you comin home after work late
You're in the kitchen tryin to fix us a hot plate
Ya just workin with the scraps you was given
And mama made miracles every Thanksgivin
But now the road got rough, you're alone
You're tryin to raise two bad kids on your own
And there's no way I can pay you back
But my plan is to show you that I understand
You are appreciated

[Chorus]
Lady...
Don't cha know we love ya? Sweet lady
Dear mama
Place no one above ya, sweet lady
You are appreciated
Don't cha know we love ya?



[Verse Three: 2Pac]

Pour out some liquor and I reminsce, cause through the drama
I can always depend on my mama
And when it seems that I'm hopeless
You say the words that can get me back in focus
When I was sick as a little kid
To keep me happy there's no limit to the things you did
And all my childhood memories
Are full of all the sweet things you did for me
And even though I act craaazy
I gotta thank the Lord that you made me
There are no words that can express how I feel
You never kept a secret, always stayed real
And I appreciate, how you raised me
And all the extra love that you gave me
I wish I could take the pain away
If you can make it through the night there's a brighter day
Everything will be alright if ya hold on
It's a struggle everyday, gotta roll on
And there's no way I can pay you back
But my plan is to show you that I understand
You are appreciated


[Chorus]
Lady...
Don't cha know we love ya? Sweet lady
Dear mama
Place no one above ya, sweet lady
You are appreciated
Don't cha know we love ya?


Sweet lady
And dear mama

Dear mama
Lady [3X]

Somebody please..

..tell him who the eff i is.(:

So, Friday after taking pictures with Skyler, I decided I wanted to go get a hair cut.

For me to decide this is BIG. I don't usually want to get my hair cut. I mean I want short hair, sometimes, but I want my long hair back right after. So Jordan and I decided that Saturday would be the day we went and got it cut.  Turns out, the place was closed. I was kind of bummed, but then Jordan had this bright idea to do it herself. I was nervous, who wouldn't be? But I let her. and I love it, besides I want it long, it is so much shorter now then it was.. Look.

See how much longer it was? I miss it already, but you should all be proud of me, because I didn't cry!!

Yes, you heard me right, I didn't cry. This is the first time in years that I didn't cry after my hair was cut.

So, life is good.(:

I'll set fire..

..to the rain.

So, a couple weeks ago we had a fire pit, at Aunt Becky's.

We had a lot of fun. I freaking love those kids.

I am pretty sure it was one of the best fire pits ever!

I started the fire, it was amazing, the first time I have done it.

I mean, yeah, Rush helped, but it was mostly me.(:

I was cleaning off the pokers.

See how good I got it going?

Joke of the night? Me being so black you couldn't see me. not cool. (:

I don't think any one there would be able to tell you how many s'mores he had, not even him.

She was just chillin like a villain.

Apparently, he loved it? (:

This is Aunt Becky trying to be all cool, fail.

ahha, Just kidding, its a good picture.

Look how cute she is. Ahhh, I just love her.

Fire pit. Success!

It doesn't matter what people say...

... to me you are always a somebody!

I am pretty sure I mentioned how much fun Rush and I have together. Well, we went to conference this weekend and it was a blast. For the Saturday morning session we went into the conference building and it was a lot of fun, but for the Saturday afternoon session we decided to just stay in the tabernacle. As we were waiting in between sessions we got bored and decided to take pictures together while Aunt Becky was running to the car. We had a lot of fun taking these pictures.  I have such a strong bond with this little guy. He is like my little brother, I love him so much. Anywho here are the pictures we took:

This was our first picture. I don't think he got the clue that we weren't doing cute faces.

We decided to do one normal face, I don't look too great.

People were probably looking at us like we were crazy.

He was looking to see what I was doing. ahha, oh jeeez.

I have no idea what to say about this picture.

Yes, in case you were wondering, we were born this awesome.

I hated my face in this picture, but I liked his so I tried to edit it a bit, he looks amazing. ahha.

He looks like he is gonna rough someone up. I look ridiculous.

I love his cheesy grin. I look completely stupid, but I love this picture for some reason.
Is it pathetic that one of my best friends is 11 years old?(:

Favorite picture? I think so. He looks like a major creeper. We did this on purpose. Just to let you all know. ahha.

Well, that's all folks.(;