"I act tough..

... So no one can see how soft I am inside."

So as I sit here thinking about life, I realize that just two months ago I was considering changing my life around. I wanted to become a new and better person. I wanted to stop doing all the things I was doing wrong, but now. Now, I could care less. I don't know if its because I have given up or because I don't want to change.. I am kind of leaning toward the given up, but also I am at the point where I feel like I am doing right. I mean, I don't go to church every Sunday, but I do pray every night. I have a close relationship with my Heavenly Father, regardless of what bad things I do. I pray all the time, even when I am happy. I honestly, just feel like I have given up. I have heard from numerous people that God loves me, and I hear you all, but I don't think he does. I try to convince myself all the time, but I just can't. The 'fake it till you make it' thing is bull crap. I have never heard something so stupid in my entire life. I just wish I could convince myself not to give up. I don't want to give up, but giving up is the only thing that I am good at.

I am frustrated. I know exactly what to say to my friends, and I make them feel slightly better, but nothing I tell myself makes me feel any better, it actually makes me feel worse. and I can't talk to anyone about how I feel, because then I feel stupid. Feelings are not my expertise, they suck. I get embarrassed when I cry, it makes me hate myself. Crying is a sign of weakness for me, and I don't want to be weak. I need to be strong, because the only person that will be strong for me is, me. I learned this, through my trial with self-mutilation. That I have to be strong and protect myself, because no one has my whole life. I know that everything that I hate about my childhood was my fault, I get that, but I just wanted someone to protect me. Maybe this is why I feel God hates me? or doesn't love me? Because of my childhood, holy cow, it makes sense now. I would hate me too, actually I do hate me for it too. It honestly, has never clicked before, until today. I am so stupid. Why did I have to mess up so much in my childhood. I should have protected my sister and brother and I should have stood up for myself better. I can't believe I was so stupid. Why was I not one of those smart, cute kids? Why wasn't I a strong kid? Why didn't anyone want to protect me? How come I can't talk about this? Why can't I be strong?

I'm so freaking frustrated. :/