She bites, hard.

You know when you get a text from someone and your heart drops into your stomach and you can't breathe and you feel uber sick? That is how I feel right now. I feel sick to my stomach.

I just feel so guilty when ever we text and I don't know why? Gah, I need to go on a walk so bad. I really don't wanna mess up my pretty little tattoo.

I'm gonna go insane! ://

I had to chuckle.

I really believe if my mom knew that this is who I'd be, she would have done anything she could to prevent having me. I feel like she wishes I were never born and would be fine with just Jasmine and Darwin. I'm just another person to cry to and take her anger out on.

You know, I am having a hard time, because I just want to be loved. I just want my mom to listen to me and try to help me. I want my dad to call me up and talk to me all the time. I want my sister to want to hang out with me and stop criticizing me. I want to be loved. I want to know that if something happened to me, I'd be missed. That someone cares if I have a next breath or not. I want to feel like I belong somewhere. I just want someone to care..

Knock it off or step it up.

Running to my room, and I barely shut the door before the tears start falling. One of the worst things in this world is having to look yourself in the eyes as the tears start falling, knowing you failed. Failed at keeping your tears in, failed at being strong, and failed at life. No matter how high I hold my head up, the tears just keep rolling down. The warmth on my cheeks don't feel good, they aren't a release. They show me how weak I am. So I sit in front of my mirror in my room and watch myself cry. I want to make sure I see how pathetic I look, so I don't make the mistake of letting others seeing it.

Most elephants weigh less than the tongue of a blue whale

Twenty things I've learned in my twenty years.
1. Your hair falls out from chemo or radiation, not actual cancer.
2. If they want to judge you for your mistakes, they don't need to be in your life.
3. Saying a prayer always helps, even if its just a little one.
4. As comfortable as it is to have the walls up, you will never live life fully until they are down.
5. Don't trust anyone.
6. Drugs are stupid.
7. Addiction is easily formed.
8. Try your hardest not to laugh when people get hurt or when they are crying. You will get yelled at.
9. Nobody likes a tattle tale.
10. Stand up for yourself.
11. Honesty is really the best policy, lying almost always makes things worse.
12. Uncles are better than fathers.<3
13. Love one another and stop judging.
14. The anticipation is usually worse than whatever you are doing.
15. Steak is God's gift to the world.
16. Laugh as much as you can, it takes years off.
17. If you can't laugh at yourself, then don't laugh at others.
18. Don't dish it if you can't take it.
19. Stolen candy tastes so much better. And if you get caught. You lie, and keep lying. It is not worth it to go down for a candy bar.
20. Grandpa is always right. Unless grandma is arguing with him, then grandma is right.

I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

There are some people in my life who make me feel so great about myself, like when I am with them, I know they love and care about me. But there are some people who make me feel horrible in life, I feel stupid, out of place, awkward, etc. And when I transition from one person to the next, know I have to go home after, or hang out with both groups of people, I kind of get really depressed. Like those are the nights I end up crying myself to sleep.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think everyone should be all about me 24/7. I am just saying it would be nice if at least one person in my daily life would ask me how I am doing at least once a month. I am always so busy listening to them and helping them. I carry their burdens on my shoulders, and its hard. Just because I rarely cry in front of people doesn't mean I don't hurt inside. I have all your secrets built up inside of me, plus mine. Its hard sometimes. I don't know.

And I have also noticed that the people that love and care for me don't think I am awkward. They love me for who I am and stuff. Its weird. And when I call myself awkward they all tell me I'm not. But the other guys are the ones that call me awkward and make me feel that way. I don't know..

I wish I were the type of person that could quit trying so hard, but I'm not. I will fight until there is no fight left in me. I was told that one of my greatest qualities is that I love with all I have, but I was also told that was one of my biggest faults too. So, I'm screwed.

My tattoo.

It is the hakuna matata symbol, so it means "no worries"

I love it so much. This picture is right after I got it.

I've had it for a like three weeks.<3

Ahha, I love it.

I wonder what I (if I do) will get next? <3

I'm happy.

I just got back from lunch with Denmark.<33

I don't know when I became such an awkward individual, but I am.(:

Ahha, so a couple things happened.

I told her about my tattoo.(:

I was so scared, but she wasn't even mad.

I'm so happy right now.

Well, besides the whole, dad thing going on.

I'm frustrated with that.

Just because you like my status, comment on my status, and post a picture of me from when I was little on your wall for my birthday, doesn't make you a dad.

AHHHHH.

Imma go nuts.

So much on my mind.

But Last year this time I was doing drugs, and my life is so much better now.

Drugs are stupid.

No being sad on my birthday, right? :/

Deadbeat.

Do you ever get to the age where you just stop wanting a dad? I feel so stupid, wanting something like this.. Its just I see all these girls with their dad's and I get so jealous and sad. I just don't understand why my dad doesn't love me. Why I'm not good enough. Why drugs are so much better. Why my word means nothing to him. I want to feel safe, I want to be happy and feel protected. I don't know. I just want a dad.

So I was so excited for my birthday this year, but all I have been doing is crying.
I'm sad my Aunt Becky and my cousins won't be here for my birthday.
I'm sad I don't have my best friend by my side.
I'm sad that my brother isn't here.
I'm sad that my family is fighting.
What's the point of living another year when it's going to be a year without all my family and friends near.
I'm just sad.

I've been blogging a lot today, mostly on tumblr, but some on here. I am just in a funk.

Over and over.

This is how life works.

You spend forever acting like you don't care that you're alone.

And then someone comes along and fills that little void you've been neglecting for so long.

Things are great.

You think,

'Wow, I'm happy for once.'

And as soon as you get used to having them around, they leave.

You're alone again.

Even more so than before.

You tell yourself that you'll never meet someone that's going to take their place.

But you will, and you do.

And the process repeats itself.

Over.

And over.

And over.

There's no turning back.

Cutting. One word but so much meaning. When I say I know what you're going through I mean I know what it feels like to feel like nobody cares, nobody wants you, you're never good enough, and that everything is all your fault. And when those thoughts go through your head non stop you pick up that razor because its the only thing that makes the pain go away for just a little while. You feel like its your fault and since its your fault you have to take it out on yourself. But from a person whose dealt with this for over a year, I can tell you once you start you never go back. So the next time you think about picking up that razor, the next time you feel that you have to take it out on yourself think. Think about how much you're affecting yourself and others. Think about how once you start there's no turning back. Cutting , one word but so much meaning. All the hurt all the pain it will go away, maybe not now but there's a future for you. Don't ever let yourself get to that point because you will regret it.

Tired.

I'm tired of crying.

I'm tired of yelling.

I'm tired of being sad.

I'm tired of pretending.

I'm tired of being alone.

I'm tired of being angry.

I'm tired of feeling crazy.

I'm tired of needing help.

I'm tired of remembering.

I'm tired of missing things.

I'm tired of being different.

I'm tired of missing people.

I'm tired of feeling worthless.

I'm tired of feeling empty inside.

I'm tired of not being able to just let go.

I'm tired of wishing I could start all over.

I'm tired of dreaming of a life I will never have.

But most of all, I'm just tired of being tired.

Excuse me, but I might drink a little bit more than I should tonight

I have been really sad and frustrated lately. I feel as if nothing in my life is how I want it and I don't know where to go from here. In my last post I put about how 'bad' of a person I am, but really, I don't think I am a bad person. I, honestly, see nothing wrong with smoking huka and having a couple shots every now and then (when I turn 21). I enjoy doing these things..

I don't see anything wrong with not going to church every Sunday. I feel like I am judged there and it doesn't make me happy. I know what I believe, so why do I have to go validate to everyone else what I believe? It frustrates me. Some people I know make it seem like you are a horrible person if you don't attend church, I just don't get it. God will judge everyone accordingly to what they do, so worry about yourself.

I am who I am. And I am sick of being judged and treated badly for being me. I am the girl who will go to church occasionally, just because I feel like going. I am the girl who believes that love is love no matter what sex or race. I am the girl who sees nothing wrong with getting tattoos, especially if they have a meaning. I am the girl who will not change my opinion on something, just to fit in. I am the girl who continues to struggle day in and day out with self-mutilation. I am the girl who smokes huka just because it's fun. I am the girl who laughs uncontrollably at someone who falls. I am the girl who laughs at her self when she gets hurt. I am the girl who hates to cry in front of people. I am the girl who can no longer fake being something that I am not.

I may do things that some of you don't approve of, but my personality is the same. I am still the girl who laughs at everything, gives looks for no reason, pushes people away because they get too close, stiffens up when someone goes in for a hug, goes out of my way to make others happy, keeps your secrets, confides in others, hates to cry, and keeps her word. If you don't like me for who I am or what I've become than I don't need you in my life, simple as that. (:

Smile at someone, you might save a life.

I am basically twenty years old. I am not a mother, shocking right? So how come I have to take care of everyone in my family? I have to care that Jasmine is crying, I have to comfort my mom when she is emotional, but as I sit here on my bed, I realize no one ever tries to take care of me. They don't even bother to ask if I am okay. I would say, "yes" but the fact remains that they don't care how I am, how I feel.

You want to know how I feel? I wish I were dead. I feel like I am a waste of space, time, and opportunity. I wish God took my life and let someone else live. I hate my life. Every morning when I wake up, I get mad, because I woke up. I hate being alive, but you know what I hate more? Wishing I were dead. I know I am supposed to be grateful for every breath I take and all that, but how can you when everyone is telling you how wrong you are? I know there are people dead, I understand that, but I would trade places with them in a heartbeat, because at least they were loved. I truly believe that no one loves me, no one cares whether I live or die. Actually, they would care whether I lived or died, because it would be one less person to be fake to. I hate when people want to do stuff with me for my birthday, because every other day of the year you don't even remember my name. I hate my birthday, I do. Because it reminds me of how shitty my life has been. I have been alive for twenty years on Tuesday, and I don't remember being happy for a whole year. I mean, out of twenty years shouldn't I think, Wow, when I was (insert age) I was so freaking happy. But NO. Every year of my life always ends up sucking, because my dad beat me, my step dad was too controlling, my mom is sick, my mom has cancer... the list goes on. 

Yes, I try to look for the good in things, I really do. If you could read my thoughts, you would know that I try so hard, but I really can't find a thing in my life that is worth living for. I am a bad person. I have done drugs, I smoke huka, I drink, I hardly show up at church, I swear, I talk bad about people I don't know, I am rude to peoples faces.. What about me is good? No one could name a reason, I should be alive.

I was told I have expensive taste, and I do. But people don't make me happy. People make me hate myself, and make me want to cut, they tell me every reason I shouldn't be alive, and treat me bad all the time.. Why would I like people? I'd rather stick to things, because they hardly disappoint me.

Today, I was talking to someone and they said something about how I don't express my feelings, and they are right, I don't, want to know why? Because of all the judgmental, fake, hurtful, insensitive, selfish people of the world. I am way to busy listening to everyone's feelings than to express mine. I carry the burdens of so many people around me and I have no time to actually think of my own. 

FML, honestly.

Druggie.

My mother had the nerve to tell me that she sits and talks to me for hours too, because I told her she liked our friends better than us. What a flat out lie. I, honestly, want to get pregnant or have a drug addiction sometimes just so my mom would love me. I know it sounds stupid and immature, but I'm seriously so annoyed. I am really so sad lately, and I wish I could cut. Its been so hard not to. And my birthday is gonna suck. Ugh, I really hate what my life has come to. :/