Smile at someone, you might save a life.

I am basically twenty years old. I am not a mother, shocking right? So how come I have to take care of everyone in my family? I have to care that Jasmine is crying, I have to comfort my mom when she is emotional, but as I sit here on my bed, I realize no one ever tries to take care of me. They don't even bother to ask if I am okay. I would say, "yes" but the fact remains that they don't care how I am, how I feel.

You want to know how I feel? I wish I were dead. I feel like I am a waste of space, time, and opportunity. I wish God took my life and let someone else live. I hate my life. Every morning when I wake up, I get mad, because I woke up. I hate being alive, but you know what I hate more? Wishing I were dead. I know I am supposed to be grateful for every breath I take and all that, but how can you when everyone is telling you how wrong you are? I know there are people dead, I understand that, but I would trade places with them in a heartbeat, because at least they were loved. I truly believe that no one loves me, no one cares whether I live or die. Actually, they would care whether I lived or died, because it would be one less person to be fake to. I hate when people want to do stuff with me for my birthday, because every other day of the year you don't even remember my name. I hate my birthday, I do. Because it reminds me of how shitty my life has been. I have been alive for twenty years on Tuesday, and I don't remember being happy for a whole year. I mean, out of twenty years shouldn't I think, Wow, when I was (insert age) I was so freaking happy. But NO. Every year of my life always ends up sucking, because my dad beat me, my step dad was too controlling, my mom is sick, my mom has cancer... the list goes on. 

Yes, I try to look for the good in things, I really do. If you could read my thoughts, you would know that I try so hard, but I really can't find a thing in my life that is worth living for. I am a bad person. I have done drugs, I smoke huka, I drink, I hardly show up at church, I swear, I talk bad about people I don't know, I am rude to peoples faces.. What about me is good? No one could name a reason, I should be alive.

I was told I have expensive taste, and I do. But people don't make me happy. People make me hate myself, and make me want to cut, they tell me every reason I shouldn't be alive, and treat me bad all the time.. Why would I like people? I'd rather stick to things, because they hardly disappoint me.

Today, I was talking to someone and they said something about how I don't express my feelings, and they are right, I don't, want to know why? Because of all the judgmental, fake, hurtful, insensitive, selfish people of the world. I am way to busy listening to everyone's feelings than to express mine. I carry the burdens of so many people around me and I have no time to actually think of my own. 

FML, honestly.