I'm not gonna lie.

I'm so sick of hearing the phrases "I understand" "I'll be there for you" "you can trust me" "someone in the world has it worse" and "everything happens for a reason."

No. You don't understand. You have no clue how I feel. You may have been through something similar, but you do not know how I feel. Don't say you understand how I feel, because it doesn't make me feel better. It pisses me off. You can't say you understand, because there are a million problems I am dealing with not just the one that I am choosing to tell you. Gah.

You'll be there for me? Really? Last time I checked there is one person that is there for me and that's me. When I am at my lowest of lows and can hardly even breathe I look beside me and no one is there for me. When I text you don't answer, when I call you're too busy. Yet, when you need someone I'm always there. I always go above and beyond helping to make sure you're okay. Yet, when I need someone I'm all alone. Don't say you're there for me.

Trust must mean something different to me than the rest of the world because last time I checked going and telling my secrets isn't how you earn trust. There has not been one person in my entire life that I can trust. Every single person has betrayed me. So when you say I can trust you are you talking about before or after you tell the world something I told you in secret?

For real? I don't have it the worst in the world? Dang, I must be trippin. Duuuuh, I know there are people worse and to me it's not a competition. "Telling me not to be sad because someone has it worse is like telling me not to be happy because someone has it better" That right there is why you should never say this phrase to me, because I know people have it worse, but right now. I'm hurting. I'm struggling. I don't think I can do this.

Everything happens for a reason? What is the purpose of this? To teach me not to trust, I've already learned that. To teach my that even family betrays, disowns, and leaves you? Been taught that too. So what is the exact purpose because right in this very second the things that are happening in my life are only tearing me down.

Eff, I have held in my feelings for so long. And the only reason I am writing this is because I know no one reads it. I hate my life, I hate all the people in it. I have no one and I'm going to have to learn to be okay with it.

August,

Please be good to me.

Love, Brittany.<3

I'm not worth it, am I?

Legit, having the hardest time right now. I feel like no one cares, at all. Like I am stranded here all by myself and no one even sees me hurting. I smile, because I want everyone else to be happy, but my mind is full of tears. I feel like I can't even pray right now, because I feel like God won't listen or care about me. I am nothing, after all. I push away from the people I was once close to, because I know all they will end up doing is hurt me. They kind of already have. I get treated as if I don't exist half the time, by the people who swore they loved and cared for me. I am just so hurt by a lot of others actions that surround me. I knew it all along, that no one really cared about me. Is this my role here on earth? I'd this all I am meant for? I feel myself drifting, far away from everything I once loved. I have started to notice how everyone talk bad about those that aren't around, and I know they are saying stuff about me. My anxiety is getting worse and my panic attacks are happening more often. I have been having a hard time controlling myself, and I was just starting to succeed. I'm honestly scared, and I don't think I can continue much longer like this. I've lost my trust in everyone and I've lost faith in myself. Truth is: I don't think I had any faith in myself in the first place.

Please don't leave me.

I have severe abandonment issues, I just noticed it. It's just like, everyone has always left me. No one has ever really stayed. When something goes wrong, I am usually the one to be blamed, but it's usually not my fault. Abandonment isn't only when someone walks out of your life, it's also when someone walks away in a fight. Another big thing of my issue is when someone is mad at me and just thinks I did wrong when I didn't. I don't know, it's just like when someone just assumes I was in the wrong and is mad, I feel like I lost all connection with that person and I feel abandoned.

Right now, I can count on one hand how many people actually care about me. That sucks. :/

It's always darker before the storm.

I am just having a hard time right now because I can't emotionally attach myself to anyone. Like I use to have such deep bonds with people and now I just feel stupid around them. I know I am pushing everyone away and I am trying not to, but it sucks. Boo! Life is hard right now. That is all.

Emotions. Emotions. Emotions.

I am so emotionally detached from almost everyone right now it's ridiculous. I am so stressed and anxious all the time. It's getting harder and harder for me to just deal with people and their bullshit. I am trying to just let things slide right now, but the more I think about everything the harder it is for me to just ignore it.

I can't form connections with anyone emotionally right now. I try to talk to people and let them know how I feel but I just can't trust anyone. I feel like everyone is out to hurt me and as soon as I tell anyone anything it will just blow up in my face. I was just beginning to trust and feel safe again. And now that is all ruined. I just need my best friend, she always helps me get over things..

It's really hard for me, with my niece being born to form a connection with her. I know I love her and words couldn't describe how much. I would do anything for her, she is so adorable and she is such a fighter. But I don't want to form a connection with her. I feel like I will loose her and I don't want that to happen, so I keep my distance even though it hurts, because all I wanna do is love her. I just hopes she starts getting healthy and gets out of the hospital soon.

I hope you get better life, because I am having a hard time right now. And I am not very good at handling stress.

I fancy you.(;

As I look back on my life I realize that no one has ever really been there for me. I am kind of upset, because I'm always there for everyone. I am always talking about the same thing, every time I write on this blog its about trust this, people suck that. I don't understand why I can't have one decent person that actually cares about me. I feel so alone all the time and no matter how hard I try I piss someone off and do something wrong. I am never good enough for anyone and everyone always like some one better. I just can't even breathe right now because I am trying not to sob. I am being replaced in my family with the two people I introduced to my family. I called them my best friends, but now they took over my family and no one even loves me anymore. I am not exaggerating. I literally am the outcast in my family. I am the one that doesn't fit in. I am the one that doesn't matter. My feelings don't matter to anyone and everyone would do so much better without me.

What a wonderful life I have. I really adore my entire family!!

Life is unfair. You put someone first who puts you second. You study your ass off for a final only to get a B in the class when you deserved an A. You give 110% to someone in a relationship when they only give 40%. You’re there for your best friend at 3 a.m. when they need it the most & the next day they don’t pick up their phone. You give something your all & sometimes get little to nothing back. You care so much about someone who doesn’t care enough about you to say hi once in a while. You give someone your time & they give you “sorry, I’m busy”. It seems like you’re giving everyone everything & they’re just walking away with it.

Hushhh.

If you know anything about me, you'd know that I don't share my feelings very much. Usually, I sit in a grumpy manor and ignore everyone. Honestly, I am hurting inside right now. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, but right now I feel as if the whole shoe store is dropping down on me. I can't catch my breath and everyone is being rude and selfish. I really might just go insane. Ugh, so much for being there. It didn't even last a week. I'm nothing to you and you know what?! Great! Because I don't need anyone.

Diamonds are a girls best friend.

So much on my mind. Why does everyone hate me lately? And why do I feel this way? Ugh, I just want this to be okay.

Treat everyone like they're fragile, we are all going through our own little hells.

We're not gonna take it.

I love the feeling when someone says they're gonna be there for you and you can tell they mean it. I just hope it's true.

You know, when you said that if you got into an accident, and you don't know of you'd have the will to live or not.. Yeah, when you said that it broke my little heart, because I love you so much. I feel like you are one of four people who actually understand me. It makes me so happy to talk to you or even get a text from you. I hope you would have the will to live, because I am selfish and want you here. I love everything about you. You're one of the reasons I want to stay alive. I hope you remember me if you ever need a reason to live. <3

To whom it may concern:

Please keep walking away from me, I don't matter much anyway.
Please continue to tell my secrets, it's a great reminder for me to not trust you.
Please continue to not be there for me, because It's not like I'm having a mental breakdown.
Please forgive me, I know you may not now, but please eventually forgive me.

Goodbye love.

I'm not good with goodbyes, because I know that after a couple months I will lose touch with the person. Not because I no longer love them, but because I feel I no longer mean anything to them. I know it's stupid, but I can't help it. I push people away more than anything else in this world. I hate that I do it, but I can't really help it. I try so hard, but I never stay in touch, it sucks.

My titles usually have nothing to do with the posts.(:

I'm the girl with the loud voice and the even more obnoxious laugh. I am the girl you that almost always has a smile on. The awkward girl that talks to random people and waves to cars passing by. The one that does a victory dance when she is happy. I am the girl who you tell your problem to, the girl you can trust. You all know me, right? Wrong, because no one knows me. Everyone thinks my life is so perfect an I have nothing to complain about. And that's not true, I feel guilty every single day of my life, because someone else deserves this spot on earth more than I do. The only reason I get out of bed each morning is because I have to pee. Other than that, I'd rather just hide. I feel like no one loves me an I feel like no one cares. I know I hate hugs, but I wish someone would just come up to me and tell me they love me. That's all I care about, acceptance. I don't know, I'm just sick of feeling awkward and out of place. But I guess that's life?

I know what you're thinking, attention whore? But no, because I don't think anyone will read this anyway.

Frickity-frick.

You know how people do or say something and you know they don't mean it hurtful, but you can't help but take it that way? Yeah, today has had many instance like that and I feel stupid for being totally crushed. I have really been having a rough day and it was supposed to be a big day for me. I had something really exciting happen to me and when I called to tell some people they didn't answer and I never got a call back. That hurts, because it doesn't have to be a long conversation. Just a quick, "hi, what's going on?" "okay, bye"

It also hurts when you think someone likes you and cares about you, but they don't. Not in a lovey dovey boyfriend way, but just like people who you thought cared, but when it came down to it nobody give a flying eff.. Idk.

A lot of stuff has been put into perspective to me lately. I have no one and that sucks. Everyone tells me their problems but I can't trust them for mine. I get called attention whore, cold hearted bitch, etc. almost everyday. I know I should just ignore it, but it hurts. It hurts that I am thought of that way. Idk, I feel stupid.

I just feel so stupid.

Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

I'm pretty smart when it comes to trusting people and secrets. No single person, aside from myself, knows every secret. I may tell a person a lot, but I won't tell them everything. There are some things that no one knows. I choose very wisely who I tell which secret too, so when a secret gets out, I almost always know who told. This being said, why does almost every secret get told. I will say "don't tell anyone!!" and then when it gets back to me and I confront that person I hear the "I thought it was okay, because (insert stupid excuse here)." no! It's not okay, when I say don't tell anyone, that means don't tell anyone. Come or. It's not hard to keep a secret. I do it on the daily.(:

We might die from the medication, but we sure have killed the pain.

How bout them apples and bananas?!

Kay, so I'm not really good at expressing my feelings. When I feel attacked, hurt, or anything of that matter I immediately go into attack mode and I take names later. A couple of things have happened recently, and I figure out where i really stand in a lot of people's lives. I've noticed that I'm only fun to hang out with when no one else can hang out, that my help is only needed when no one else is willing to help, i am only needed to help you but you don't want to help me. Basically, I feel used by a majority of the people in my life and it hurts like hell.

I have really been struggling with self harm lately. I'm not saying I've done it, but I'm not saying I haven't. All I am saying is that it's a struggle I am faced with everyday. It hurts to think that I am really that low sometimes that I actually have to hurt myself. When I think of another person self harming I get disgusted. I am not saying this for attention, but I'm just saying that just because a person is smiling doesn't mean they aren't struggling. So maybe go out of your way to make a random person smile. Everyone is going through their own little hells.

I am a very accepting person. I may judge someone's appearance, but that's normal. I, however, hardly judge someone's personality. I'm not the kind of person that will give someone crap for being themselves. That's just not me. It's annoying/frustrating (whatever word fits best) that the people that I'm most accepting of judge me the most.

I try so hard for people to like me, I try to listen to everyone and give advice when needed. I try to pray every night for every single person I love, I text little reminders to people telling them I love them and to have a good days I am always trying, hoping that in return someone would do the same for me. Not out of pity, but out of love. No one loves me though, I am nothing to anyone. All the people that I would jump in front of a bullet for and not even think twice, would sit there and watch the bullet hit me. I hear everyone say, " you know I'm here" "if you ever need to talk.." "blah.. Blah... Blah.. Blah.. Blah." No offense but most the time that's a lie. Whenever I need to talk I have to pray, because God is the only one that won't tell everyone, he is the only one that doesn't go on about his trials, and he is the only one that really listens. The rest of you always have a story that you can compare, too busy, or think you need to tell someone. It's annoying and obnoxious.

I'd love to sit here and say that I am just going to live for me and be happy. That I'm not going to pay attention to what person 1, 3, and 7 are doing, but in all actuality, I can't ignore how I feel. You can all sit here and judge me, talk crap about me, call me an attention whore, replace me, forget about me, etc. but when you need that shoulder to lean on, I'll probably be the one you call, because that's what you folks do. You hurt the ones closest to you, the ones you know will love and be there for you regardless. Trust me, I am guilty of the same. But as I sit here and ponder, I think it's pretty f'd up. I'm going to make a real effort to not take all my problems out on the people who deserve it least, because it hurts.

Well, I'm done having a pity party. Thanks for joining, (if anyone did) goodnight!

This make no sense to you,

But it makes all the sense to me.

I want to open up, but at the same time I want to hide. I love my walls, but think they'd be better if they were lower. I'm scared, to open up. I don't want to be judged. It's different. Having someone think they know something and judge you or having someone know stuff and judge you.

You all think you know me, but you only know what i let you know. I hide more than you think, and I'm not an open person. Lies, we're invented for people like me, because without them I'd be weak.

I saw you looking any scars. I know you were trying to hide that you were looking, but it didn't work. I saw you. And now I am terrified, that's my secret. Those are my scars. They are for all the lies I've told, the mistakes I've made, and the memories I can't remake.

When you asked me my new addiction I was tempted to tell. Not because I wanted attention, but because I'm sick of lying. I am ashamed of it, but at the same time it makes me happy. In this world few things make you happy, so whatever it takes, right?

I know you don't really care about me. I know you just like to know stuff. So it hurts when you ask me questions because I know it's not for my benefit. Why can't you just care. Why doesn't anyone care?

I'm in a funk. My brain never shuts off. My emotions are extremes. I need something more. I need more.

Crying means you're weak.

I can't do this anymore.
I am laying in my bed, struggling to hold in my tears.
I don't want to cry, because that means I'm weak.
But I can't stay strong much longer.
How can you treat someone so badly, yet expect them to be nice in return?
How can you continue to give, yet no one is grateful?
Life goes on and on, and here I am, stuck in the middle.
Every step I take, I fall backwards double.
Everyone is having their own little pity party and are too selfish to look out of their bubble.
Its all about you, her, him, and her again. What about all of us in pain?
We all have our own little hell we are participating in, yet it is always about you.
Grow up, step up, and lend a hand. Its pathetic what we have all come to.

Let it all out, champ.

I wish I knew how to let my guard down, even if it was just a little. I honestly don't know how to tell my family and friends I care about them or how to just cry in front of others. How do people do it? My whole life I have had to be strong. I have had to hold it together while everyone cries to me. When I am sad, I hardly cry in front of others, I bite my cheeks and hold those tears in for as long as I can. So how do you just let your guard down? Because sometimes I do just want a hug, sometimes I do just want to cry, sometimes I do want to let people know I care about them, I just don't know how? :/

In the middle of a yawn, touch your tongue.. It'll stop your yawn

I really dislike when I get called sweet. No one knows me enough to say whether or not I am a sweet person. I may seem sweet, but let's face it, deep down inside, I'm not. I'm a twenty year old girl who has been burned too many times to trust the world. I do not hug people by choice and I freeze up when I have to. I do not like to be looked at, not even by myself. I do things to ruin my relationships with people, because I don't like to be close to others. I cry every night in my bed, because all I want to do is harm myself. I laugh when people fall. Do you need any other reason as to why I am not sweet? Or is that enough? Because I could go on and on about how horrible I am. If only you knew..

Make me proud, kid.

I wish someone would come up to me and tell me they are proud of me. That they are proud for how long I have stayed strong when they knew all I've wanted was to give up. For forgiving those who don't deserve it. For smiling when they know all I wanted to do was cry. For standing back up everytime I have been shoved or fallen, even though staying down would've been so much easier. I want them to say they are proud of who I have become. That no matter what drugs I do, rules I break, or cuts I make, that I make them proud on times when I say no, when I choose not to participate in the self-destruction. I want them to be proud of where I am in life. For being honest, when lying would be a lot less hard. For apologizing, even when it is not my fault. For loving, with all I have. For trusting with all I can. I want to make someone proud. And I want them to tell me, because nothing would make me happier than making somone proud at least once in my life.

Yawning is contagious.

Someone told me to go cut myself the other day and that I only do it for attention. I find that annoying, rude, and disgusting. I am so sick of being treated badly. I do not cut for attention, if I did wouldn't you all see my scars and wouldn't you have seen my cuts when I did it? If I did it for attention would I wear jackets or sweatshirts all the time, no matter the weather? Somedays it is close to 90 degrees and my stupid butt is in a jacket, because I want to hide my cuts or scars. So, if you say I do it for attention, then I would LOVE for one of you to tell me the last time I did it? Yeah, that's right. None of you could, point proven.

Lately, I have noticed that you can't trust anyone. I have put my trust in so many people and no matter what it always backfires. When will I find someone to trust? Will I ever? I wish I had a friend like me, because I don't tell others secrets, I keep my mouth shut. I don't know, when is it going to be over? I can't take it anymore, I can't listen to everyone, but when it comes to me no one will listen, and if they do, it becomes another problem, because I have to deal with them telling everyone else. Ugh, do I even make sense? I'm so freaking frustrated, and sad, and I feel stupid. I'm sick of feeling like an idiot. :/

And my ankle hurts.

She bites, hard.

You know when you get a text from someone and your heart drops into your stomach and you can't breathe and you feel uber sick? That is how I feel right now. I feel sick to my stomach.

I just feel so guilty when ever we text and I don't know why? Gah, I need to go on a walk so bad. I really don't wanna mess up my pretty little tattoo.

I'm gonna go insane! ://

I had to chuckle.

I really believe if my mom knew that this is who I'd be, she would have done anything she could to prevent having me. I feel like she wishes I were never born and would be fine with just Jasmine and Darwin. I'm just another person to cry to and take her anger out on.

You know, I am having a hard time, because I just want to be loved. I just want my mom to listen to me and try to help me. I want my dad to call me up and talk to me all the time. I want my sister to want to hang out with me and stop criticizing me. I want to be loved. I want to know that if something happened to me, I'd be missed. That someone cares if I have a next breath or not. I want to feel like I belong somewhere. I just want someone to care..

Knock it off or step it up.

Running to my room, and I barely shut the door before the tears start falling. One of the worst things in this world is having to look yourself in the eyes as the tears start falling, knowing you failed. Failed at keeping your tears in, failed at being strong, and failed at life. No matter how high I hold my head up, the tears just keep rolling down. The warmth on my cheeks don't feel good, they aren't a release. They show me how weak I am. So I sit in front of my mirror in my room and watch myself cry. I want to make sure I see how pathetic I look, so I don't make the mistake of letting others seeing it.

Most elephants weigh less than the tongue of a blue whale

Twenty things I've learned in my twenty years.
1. Your hair falls out from chemo or radiation, not actual cancer.
2. If they want to judge you for your mistakes, they don't need to be in your life.
3. Saying a prayer always helps, even if its just a little one.
4. As comfortable as it is to have the walls up, you will never live life fully until they are down.
5. Don't trust anyone.
6. Drugs are stupid.
7. Addiction is easily formed.
8. Try your hardest not to laugh when people get hurt or when they are crying. You will get yelled at.
9. Nobody likes a tattle tale.
10. Stand up for yourself.
11. Honesty is really the best policy, lying almost always makes things worse.
12. Uncles are better than fathers.<3
13. Love one another and stop judging.
14. The anticipation is usually worse than whatever you are doing.
15. Steak is God's gift to the world.
16. Laugh as much as you can, it takes years off.
17. If you can't laugh at yourself, then don't laugh at others.
18. Don't dish it if you can't take it.
19. Stolen candy tastes so much better. And if you get caught. You lie, and keep lying. It is not worth it to go down for a candy bar.
20. Grandpa is always right. Unless grandma is arguing with him, then grandma is right.

I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

There are some people in my life who make me feel so great about myself, like when I am with them, I know they love and care about me. But there are some people who make me feel horrible in life, I feel stupid, out of place, awkward, etc. And when I transition from one person to the next, know I have to go home after, or hang out with both groups of people, I kind of get really depressed. Like those are the nights I end up crying myself to sleep.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think everyone should be all about me 24/7. I am just saying it would be nice if at least one person in my daily life would ask me how I am doing at least once a month. I am always so busy listening to them and helping them. I carry their burdens on my shoulders, and its hard. Just because I rarely cry in front of people doesn't mean I don't hurt inside. I have all your secrets built up inside of me, plus mine. Its hard sometimes. I don't know.

And I have also noticed that the people that love and care for me don't think I am awkward. They love me for who I am and stuff. Its weird. And when I call myself awkward they all tell me I'm not. But the other guys are the ones that call me awkward and make me feel that way. I don't know..

I wish I were the type of person that could quit trying so hard, but I'm not. I will fight until there is no fight left in me. I was told that one of my greatest qualities is that I love with all I have, but I was also told that was one of my biggest faults too. So, I'm screwed.

My tattoo.

It is the hakuna matata symbol, so it means "no worries"

I love it so much. This picture is right after I got it.

I've had it for a like three weeks.<3

Ahha, I love it.

I wonder what I (if I do) will get next? <3

I'm happy.

I just got back from lunch with Denmark.<33

I don't know when I became such an awkward individual, but I am.(:

Ahha, so a couple things happened.

I told her about my tattoo.(:

I was so scared, but she wasn't even mad.

I'm so happy right now.

Well, besides the whole, dad thing going on.

I'm frustrated with that.

Just because you like my status, comment on my status, and post a picture of me from when I was little on your wall for my birthday, doesn't make you a dad.

AHHHHH.

Imma go nuts.

So much on my mind.

But Last year this time I was doing drugs, and my life is so much better now.

Drugs are stupid.

No being sad on my birthday, right? :/

Deadbeat.

Do you ever get to the age where you just stop wanting a dad? I feel so stupid, wanting something like this.. Its just I see all these girls with their dad's and I get so jealous and sad. I just don't understand why my dad doesn't love me. Why I'm not good enough. Why drugs are so much better. Why my word means nothing to him. I want to feel safe, I want to be happy and feel protected. I don't know. I just want a dad.

So I was so excited for my birthday this year, but all I have been doing is crying.
I'm sad my Aunt Becky and my cousins won't be here for my birthday.
I'm sad I don't have my best friend by my side.
I'm sad that my brother isn't here.
I'm sad that my family is fighting.
What's the point of living another year when it's going to be a year without all my family and friends near.
I'm just sad.

I've been blogging a lot today, mostly on tumblr, but some on here. I am just in a funk.

Over and over.

This is how life works.

You spend forever acting like you don't care that you're alone.

And then someone comes along and fills that little void you've been neglecting for so long.

Things are great.

You think,

'Wow, I'm happy for once.'

And as soon as you get used to having them around, they leave.

You're alone again.

Even more so than before.

You tell yourself that you'll never meet someone that's going to take their place.

But you will, and you do.

And the process repeats itself.

Over.

And over.

And over.

There's no turning back.

Cutting. One word but so much meaning. When I say I know what you're going through I mean I know what it feels like to feel like nobody cares, nobody wants you, you're never good enough, and that everything is all your fault. And when those thoughts go through your head non stop you pick up that razor because its the only thing that makes the pain go away for just a little while. You feel like its your fault and since its your fault you have to take it out on yourself. But from a person whose dealt with this for over a year, I can tell you once you start you never go back. So the next time you think about picking up that razor, the next time you feel that you have to take it out on yourself think. Think about how much you're affecting yourself and others. Think about how once you start there's no turning back. Cutting , one word but so much meaning. All the hurt all the pain it will go away, maybe not now but there's a future for you. Don't ever let yourself get to that point because you will regret it.

Tired.

I'm tired of crying.

I'm tired of yelling.

I'm tired of being sad.

I'm tired of pretending.

I'm tired of being alone.

I'm tired of being angry.

I'm tired of feeling crazy.

I'm tired of needing help.

I'm tired of remembering.

I'm tired of missing things.

I'm tired of being different.

I'm tired of missing people.

I'm tired of feeling worthless.

I'm tired of feeling empty inside.

I'm tired of not being able to just let go.

I'm tired of wishing I could start all over.

I'm tired of dreaming of a life I will never have.

But most of all, I'm just tired of being tired.

Excuse me, but I might drink a little bit more than I should tonight

I have been really sad and frustrated lately. I feel as if nothing in my life is how I want it and I don't know where to go from here. In my last post I put about how 'bad' of a person I am, but really, I don't think I am a bad person. I, honestly, see nothing wrong with smoking huka and having a couple shots every now and then (when I turn 21). I enjoy doing these things..

I don't see anything wrong with not going to church every Sunday. I feel like I am judged there and it doesn't make me happy. I know what I believe, so why do I have to go validate to everyone else what I believe? It frustrates me. Some people I know make it seem like you are a horrible person if you don't attend church, I just don't get it. God will judge everyone accordingly to what they do, so worry about yourself.

I am who I am. And I am sick of being judged and treated badly for being me. I am the girl who will go to church occasionally, just because I feel like going. I am the girl who believes that love is love no matter what sex or race. I am the girl who sees nothing wrong with getting tattoos, especially if they have a meaning. I am the girl who will not change my opinion on something, just to fit in. I am the girl who continues to struggle day in and day out with self-mutilation. I am the girl who smokes huka just because it's fun. I am the girl who laughs uncontrollably at someone who falls. I am the girl who laughs at her self when she gets hurt. I am the girl who hates to cry in front of people. I am the girl who can no longer fake being something that I am not.

I may do things that some of you don't approve of, but my personality is the same. I am still the girl who laughs at everything, gives looks for no reason, pushes people away because they get too close, stiffens up when someone goes in for a hug, goes out of my way to make others happy, keeps your secrets, confides in others, hates to cry, and keeps her word. If you don't like me for who I am or what I've become than I don't need you in my life, simple as that. (:

Smile at someone, you might save a life.

I am basically twenty years old. I am not a mother, shocking right? So how come I have to take care of everyone in my family? I have to care that Jasmine is crying, I have to comfort my mom when she is emotional, but as I sit here on my bed, I realize no one ever tries to take care of me. They don't even bother to ask if I am okay. I would say, "yes" but the fact remains that they don't care how I am, how I feel.

You want to know how I feel? I wish I were dead. I feel like I am a waste of space, time, and opportunity. I wish God took my life and let someone else live. I hate my life. Every morning when I wake up, I get mad, because I woke up. I hate being alive, but you know what I hate more? Wishing I were dead. I know I am supposed to be grateful for every breath I take and all that, but how can you when everyone is telling you how wrong you are? I know there are people dead, I understand that, but I would trade places with them in a heartbeat, because at least they were loved. I truly believe that no one loves me, no one cares whether I live or die. Actually, they would care whether I lived or died, because it would be one less person to be fake to. I hate when people want to do stuff with me for my birthday, because every other day of the year you don't even remember my name. I hate my birthday, I do. Because it reminds me of how shitty my life has been. I have been alive for twenty years on Tuesday, and I don't remember being happy for a whole year. I mean, out of twenty years shouldn't I think, Wow, when I was (insert age) I was so freaking happy. But NO. Every year of my life always ends up sucking, because my dad beat me, my step dad was too controlling, my mom is sick, my mom has cancer... the list goes on. 

Yes, I try to look for the good in things, I really do. If you could read my thoughts, you would know that I try so hard, but I really can't find a thing in my life that is worth living for. I am a bad person. I have done drugs, I smoke huka, I drink, I hardly show up at church, I swear, I talk bad about people I don't know, I am rude to peoples faces.. What about me is good? No one could name a reason, I should be alive.

I was told I have expensive taste, and I do. But people don't make me happy. People make me hate myself, and make me want to cut, they tell me every reason I shouldn't be alive, and treat me bad all the time.. Why would I like people? I'd rather stick to things, because they hardly disappoint me.

Today, I was talking to someone and they said something about how I don't express my feelings, and they are right, I don't, want to know why? Because of all the judgmental, fake, hurtful, insensitive, selfish people of the world. I am way to busy listening to everyone's feelings than to express mine. I carry the burdens of so many people around me and I have no time to actually think of my own. 

FML, honestly.

Druggie.

My mother had the nerve to tell me that she sits and talks to me for hours too, because I told her she liked our friends better than us. What a flat out lie. I, honestly, want to get pregnant or have a drug addiction sometimes just so my mom would love me. I know it sounds stupid and immature, but I'm seriously so annoyed. I am really so sad lately, and I wish I could cut. Its been so hard not to. And my birthday is gonna suck. Ugh, I really hate what my life has come to. :/

Woohoo!

I thought by now I would have my life at least a little figured out, but it's not, at all..(:

I texted two people today, and they are really important to me.. I have such a bond with them and it's almost describable.

Leslee;

I don't even know when we grew so close? I just know that when I say my prayers at night, you always seem to be apart of them. I am so thankful for you and what you have taught and done for me. I just like how you accept me, even though you know that I don't always choose the right. I trust you in ways that I don't trust others. I have told you more about me, then I have told some of my family. You just make my day so much better whenever I see or talk to you. It's like, weird when I think about it, because I don't remember how we even got to this relationship.. You are one of my best friends, although we rarely talk, you just mean the world to me and it makes me happy that you are always there..(: You are such an amazing person, you aren't like every other person I have met, I love how awkward you are, it makes my year. :) Ahhhh, I just love you, that's all.

-Britt.

Denmark;

Oh man, I have had the worst week so far, and just talking to you made it like 40% better. I just feel like you know me through and through and it makes me happy. I am happy that you don't hate me, even when you know me. I just love how amazing you were.(: You make me feel so safe and loved. No one knows me like you do and I don't know, I just feel so much better when I have you in my life and I talk to you. You are my hero, because you are so freaking strong. No matter what you do and what comes your way you stand up and take it and you are just my inspiration in life. I want to be like you one day, because you are such an amazing person.<3 I have already said so much about you on my blog, I just have no more words today. I love you lots. Thanks so much!

-Britt.

So life sucks, still. I just wish I could talk to someone about what I am feeling, but I can't, because I don't even know where to begin. 2012, please get better, because I need you to. If you read my blog, I love you.<3

Goodnight.<3

--- Britt.<3

Now I lay me down to sleep..

My head is so full of thoughts, so maybe if I just let them out, they will not be so heavy? I am sitting in my bathroom, on the floor holding Shakieyia, with the light off and I can't stop crying. I never felt safe, but I did feel secure. I can't believe that after almost eleven years I let him get to me. People keep playing games with my brain and it keeps breaking my heat. I wish I were stronger, I hate being weak. I'm so pathetic letting everything affect me. I wish my family understood, and didn't make me feel stupid. I wish I had a dad to give me a hug and make me feel safe. I need a hug from my uncles, and one from my grandpa, and one from denmark, those are the people that make me feel safest. That make me feel less alone in this world. Praying isn't helping and the devil is telling me to cut. My head keeps spinning and I see one face. The face of every nightmare I've had since age eight. I am having a panic attack, I can't believe that after all this time he still doesn't believe me. Like I would lie about something so serious. I think that hurts the most, him not believing me. And what hurts the second is my brother and sister calling me stupid. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to get over it. I have tried for so long, but I couldn't talk. I was scared, and still I fear. I'm so proud of you two for being strong and being survivors while I sit here as a victim. I wish I was a survivor too.

Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the lord my soul to keep.
And if I die before I wake.
I pray the lord my soul to take.

As a child this was in a picture frame with a little girl kneeling and I said it every night. It keeps going through my head now, so I thought I should write it.
I'm heading to bed,
Goodnight.<3

It always hurts the same.

A shot to kill the pain.

A pill to drain the shame.

A purge to stop the gain.

A cut to break the vein.

A smoke to ease the crave.

A drink to win the game.

An addiction's an addiction

because it always hurts the same.

My scars.

I was at the store and I forgot to wear a jacket and this person saw my scars and they looked at me in disgust. Like I was a horrible person for doing what I do. Like I didn't belong with society. All that was going through my head was this:

They aren't just scars

They're what I've overcome

They're lonely nights.

They're insults.

They're insecurities.

They're emotions.

They're your fault.

<3

-Britt

My mind, is racing..

It's the third day of the new year, and I honestly was hoping I would feel different. I do this every year, where I hope to be a better person, and change, but I never do. I am so freaking unhappy. I just have so much going on in my head right now that I can't deal with life. I have no friends. I have no one I can call and talk to or no one I can call up and ask to kick it, because all my friends suck. My 'friends' are the ones that only want someone there for them, but when I need someone they are no where to be found. They are the type of people that will only do something if it benefits them and they talk crap behind my back. If they aren't getting something out of it, they want nothing to do with it. I am so sick of it. I am sick of being the one to provide for everyone. I am sick of being the one to ask if they want to hang out and not the other way around. I am honestly not going to do it anymore. I know I have said multiple times that I won't, but this time I mean it. I can be using my time and money for more important things. I don't need them in my life. Usually friends are supposed to lift you up, but mine just bring me down. I am more happy sitting alone than with them, so screw it. I am so done, dealing with useless things that bring me down. I can't deal with caring about people and then having them turn their backs when they have something better. I can't do the whole I love you to your face, but when I turn around have a knife in my back. I refuse to be the person you all walk all over. I am not going to do it any longer. You aren't worth it. So go ahead and like my status' and all that stuff, because I am not going to text or call you first. I am not going to go out of my way to do something for you. I am going to start being selfish. I will think of myself before I even remember I have a friend with your name. I am going to become what you all have been to me these past couple years. I am not going to bite my tongue any longer and if you don't have money, I will not pay for you. If you want something done, don't ask me. I am so done.
Another thing that gets me about them, is they don't even care to read my blog, they don't care what I feel. If they had a blog, I would read it and try and be there for them, but they could careless about me. They use me. And I am so sick of it. UGH, I am so freaking hurt by all my 'friends' actions, it's ridiculous.

Next subject, Oregon. I donI't think you understand that as soon as I get money and Jasmine gets money and time off how fast I will be there. I miss those kids so much, it hurts. I talk to them on the phone all the time and hear their stories and I get sad. I don't want their lives to go on without me, but at the same time, I know they need to. They just seem so grown up and it sucks. I can't wait to go visit so I can get annoyed of them.(: ahha. I also miss Aunt Becky and Andrew. I didn't realize how much I would. Aunt Becky and I text EVERYDAY, pretty much. I don't know. I just feel like lonely, sad, empty, incomplete, etc. without them all in my daily life. I miss them all so much..(:

On to the next, Brook. Ohmygoodness. So at first it was her avoiding me, but now it's me avoiding her. I don't do it on purpose, I just feel abandoned right now and I don't want her to abandon me too. I have all my friend abandoning me, my aunt, uncle and cousins abandoning me, I don't want my best friend to leave me too. I don't know, I just feel really fragile and I don't want anything bad to happen to me right now, because I might not be able to take it. I am barely hanging on as it is.

Well, I am going to go on some sites. and listen to one direction? I think that is their name, my friend on tumblr told me to listen to a song, because I never have. I really hope I don't like them, because I hate trends and stuff. ahha.

Thanks for reading.
(if anyone even does.)
-Brittany.<3

Jump Brittany!

I am so sick of everyone pressuring me into doing stuff. I hate it. I am not the person that can just have my life decided for me. I have anxiety. I freak out, daily. I have anxiety attacks and no, sometimes it won't be okay. Do not tell me what I will do and stuff. It doesn't make me want to do it. I hate not having a choice. I never have a choice. I am never in control. I want to be in control. I hate that you all choose favorites and I'm never it. I hate that someone can treat me a certain way but once I retaliate I am the bad person. No, life doesn't work like that. If you can't take it, don't dish it. I hate how people act like they like me or enjoy my company.. I know you don't. I am just second best. And no, imitation is not the highest form of flattery. I love how you always have to act like me so that people will love you. Be yourself. Grow a pair. Stop trying to be like me, it gets old.

Anyway, that was my first rant of the new year.(:

This year I want to blog more, express my feelings more. I want to make new friends and attend church a little more. I want to stop caring what you all think of me. I want to pass at least three things off my bucket list. I want to rewrite my bucket list. I want to write in a journal or private blog. I want to find out who my true friends are. I want to not let others walk all over me. I want to be me, Brittany.

Hello new year, I'm becoming a different person. Please catch me, because I'm about to jump.(: